Destiny Part 6: Things unsaid.

It’s been a while, but here I am again. I’ve found out throughout my life that Destiny waits, well to a certain extent it does. How many times do we all want or feel the need to say something? To the people we love, admire or just want in our lives. It’s as if life, for many of us, is a long running event of procrastinations. “No, I don’t want” “Well actually, I don’t want to do that” “Yes, I would love to” “Actually, this is how I really feel”. The list for many of us is, to coin a phrase, “to infinity and beyond”. However, the real cause for concern is when we bottle up our emotions and don’t say the things we wish we had said at a previous time in the past, at a precise moment when it would have meant something. I have many memories of moments like these, when I wish I had said or done something that would have made a difference, but I didn’t. I’m not completely sure of the reasons, I just have an idea of what stopped me from doing and saying the things I wanted to say and do, was my lack of confidence, the absence of self belief that said ” I don’t really matter “.
As a boy I had a secret dream, so secret that nobody knew until now, this precise moment as I write my thoughts down for you to read. I secretly wanted to be better than I considered myself to be. Because of my young family life, which was at times, traumatic, painful, loveless, degrading and pointless, I lived my childhood devoid of confidence. The only time I really managed to escape was when I watched television, especially Mastermind or University Challenge. I know this sounds really silly, but I would mimic the answers silently to myself, at almost the same time as the contestants would give their answers on the small screen. I know it sounds crazy but I would feel as if I had answered the questions, becoming instantaneously smarter than I felt I was, which gave me a sense of worth. So, from an early age I wanted to be smart enough or deserving enough to one day, in my dreams, go to University. The thing was I didn’t go to school much (Major stumbling block) When I did I didn’t attempt to apply myself. The reasons I didn’t go were twofold. The first: I would leave the house in school uniform, with no intention of going to school, often watching men fishing or going on a trek through the woods. My mini adventures always seemed more appealing than sitting in a boring classroom. The second reason: My mother. If I had a cough, earache, toothache or anything else I could make up, would keep me off school. Actually, she would often let me have Thursdays off, primarily so I was there to carry the shopping bags home from town. My father was very rarely around, he would be either drinking alcohol, doing odd jobs for other people for a few pennies or off on one of his infamous ‘Walkabouts’ which took him away from his ‘family’ for days and weeks and sometimes moths at a time. I am still not sure if he loved any of us. In the cold light of day and taking into consideration his selfish way of life, he probably didn’t, not in the way we wanted him to anyway!
So, all of these factors were classically conducive of someone who would never live his secret dream of going to University.
Moving forwards quite a number of years, I was working for a company called RAC Auto windscreens. I had been there for 15 years and to break the monotony of factory work I worked an awful lot of steam off by going to a gym 3 or 4 times a week. My workouts were driven by an inner desire to better myself, but this time it wasn’t just fuelled by my lack of self esteem, it was fuelled by an intense desire to prove to myself I could get bigger, stronger and actually be a success at something. Without realising it I had become obsessed with body-building. Over a time period of just under 2 years I went from a 14 stone average looking guy to becoming a man who weighed in at just under 21 stone. Anyway, the point of telling you this is I felt like I had achieved something. However, one particular day it all began to go wrong. I had never been and am still not one of those people who checks himself out in the mirror, but one morning whilst I was at the gym I suddenly and inexplicably¬†lost an awful lot of strength in my left arm. This downward spiral in strength continued for a number of weeks until one day I decided to look in the mirror to see if I could see anything that looked unusual or would give me a clue as to what the problem could be. In comparison to the right side of my upper body, the left side of my chest, shoulder and arm looked at least 2 inches smaller. Along with this very weird shrinkage, I was experiencing a lot of pain across the left side of my torso. A week later I visited the doctor who immediately referred me to the hospital for further investigation. Yet another unexpected episode in my life was about to unfold.

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