Destiny 11: Funny Times.

A number of years ago,  I luckily found a job that was a mere 10 minute walk away from my house.  It involved working in a commercial and car windscreen producing factory that wasn’t very big but the pay was very very good for the amount of work that was required.  I made some acquaintances,  if you have read my last post you will know why I’m reluctant to call them friends.  Anyway,  some of them were,  how can I put it,  quirky,  unusual,  very funny and ideal candidates for a,  excuse my language,  ‘Piss take”.   Working in a factory setting was something alien to me so it took me a while to settle in,  but settle in with a vengeance I did,  and I discovered to my amusement but to the despair of others that I was good at teasing and  taking the ‘Michael’ out of some of the others in the factory,  but only with fun loving intentions.
The factory worked 3 shift patterns,  days,  afternoons and nights,  all of which I had the ‘pleasure’ of working.
There are a number of situations that spring to mind that were,  how can I put it,  invented and instigated by me,  the outcomes of which were funny at the time,  but in retrospect could actually have had quite serious consequences,  so for that,  I am sorry,  he says,  with a mischievous grin.
One incident I recall involved a tall,  handsome,  but painfully shy Italian guy who found it difficult to speak to women.  I decided,  in my infinitely twisted wisdom, that I should and would appoint myself ‘Cupid’ to the love life and sex life of Alessandro,  the emotionally stunted Italian stallion.
So,  picture the scene,  I know a limited amount of Italian words,  but only the very basic ones,  but this did not deter me and I had a brilliant idea!  One particular day I was causally chatting to Alex about nothing in particular when the ‘Light’ came on.  I asked him how I would say “I think I love you,  you have great tits” in Italian.  It took a while,  but after much persuasion,  Alex,  between fits of embarrassing laughter,  taught me how to say it to a fairly good standard. In fact, I could have passed as an Italian extra from The Godfather ! Now,  there was a separate room within the factory that was used by just the female workers.  It was deemed by the management that the particular type of work that happened in that room required small,  fast hands with nimble fingers.  Within that room there was an Italian woman,  whose name was Maria. Memory tells me that she ‘Wasn’t backwards at coming forwards’ if you know what I mean,  but she had a lovely welcoming personality and seemed very genuine.  When the ladies went for their lunch breaks,  toilet breaks and drinks during production,  they had to walk past my work station,  which was where I hatched my cupid plan.  Not 1 hour after persuading Alex to teach me ‘The phrase’ Maria breezed past me on the way to get drinks for the girls.  “Maria” I called,  “I have a message for you from Alex, he can’t say it to you himself,  you know how shy he is” She stopped and listened intently,  obviously completely unaware and unprepared for what was to come.  I said in a very bad “Just one Cornetto voice  “Ti amo,  avete grande tette”.  She looked at me,  turned bright crimson,  and burst into fits of laughter.  At that precise moment and with comical timing I looked up the factory floor and raised my thumb in victory,  and Alex reacted by raising his thumb back at me in complete innocence of what had just taken place.  The deed was done,  Maria looked towards the direction of the thumb and walked towards the canteen,  convinced that I was telling the truth.  10 minutes later I saw Maria approach Alex and I could almost feel the heat from his complexion as he sprayed his arms in the air like a crazy traffic policeman whilst looking at Maria,  obviously denying saying anything that I had said to her. I could see him gibbering something to her but I was relieved that she was laughing.  However,  the plan worked because they went out on a few dates after that incident and every time I saw them talking I would shout ” Ti amo”,  which made Alex turn red and Maria laugh and shake her head.
I have another ‘Stunt’ that I cooked up which involved someone else that could have had very bad consequences whilst I was working the night shift but I’ll save that for another time.

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