The Strange Case of Jalapeño Gate: Read With Caution!

Those with a nervous or delicate disposition may want to skip this post.

What I am about to confess is perhaps not the best thing to write about but sometimes it can be liberating to push the boundaries and I guess it could be taken as a warning for anybody with a similar sense of ‘Adventure’ as me, but let’s hope not because there can’t be many places left in hell!

Some of you may think it’s a little far fetched and a fabrication of what actually happened, but take my word for it, everything you are about to read is the truth, the whole truth and unfortunately, nothing but, and it all started whilst I worked at Gunstones Bakery. (Not that I’m blaming Gunstones)

I’ll start from the beginning. I worked at “Gunnies ” for nearly 4 and a half years, with 4 of those ‘Magical ‘ years working constant nights. During those 4 years of existing like a Vampire, I was always tired, drained, lacklustre and pale, you get the message! Nearly everyone who worked the night shift were virtually lifeless on their 2 days off at the ‘Weekend’ and I was no different.

As you can imagine, the constant tiredness had a domino effect on what remained of every aspect of life, even the little R&R at the weekend was tiring. One of the blessed R&R’s that suffered the most in my life was my libido; sexual activity was virtually non existent. A cruel twist of fate (Or stupidity) on a personal level was that when he decided to stand to attention, he was alone with nowhere to hide because everyone was at work, if you get my meaning?! Frustration or/and non performance had never really been something that applied to my sex life, but working nights had confused him and he had developed his own ideas of when to wake up and rise to the occasion, which was as rare as steppingin dinosaur shit. He had a stubborn mind of his own and I believe if he’d been able to detach himself from me and live his own life he would have worn a hard hat and been a useless, non compliant union rep, the type who never got the job done. Anyway, on the days that he did find a lease of life, he wouldn’t stand up for long, which made the situation even worse. Now this is where it gets embarrassing yet strangely funny. One mid-week afternoon in the middle of 2016, I was going through the ‘Can’t sleep’ routine again, for the 400th time! I decided to crawl out of bed and go downstairs to make myself a cup of tea, smoke a cigarette on the garden and feel sorry for myself. However, he decided to spring a surprise on me. Whilst I was standing at the kitchen sink, filling the kettle, he became swollen and eager! I couldn’t believe my luck, so very urgently, I tried my very best to help him out a little, but he had other piss-taking ideas, and slowly but surely started to deflate! I’d had enough of his sadistic sense of humour and came up with an instantaneous, genius plan to force him to stay awake. I would apply something to stimulate him so he had no choice but to remain inflated so we could finish the job together. I quickly stumbled and searched through the food cupboards to find something to rub into his rapidly deflating body, and put my hands on a sauce bottle with ‘Jalapeno’ printed on it in big red letters. I thought what the hell, I didn’t have time to deliberate on my choices, anyway, I couldn’t do any harm!!! So, I poured a dollop on-top of him and started to rub like a demented rabbit on speed! Let me tell you, for the first 30 seconds the sensation was electric and I thought to myself, what a great idea. However, on the 31st second mark, the burn took over, the pain became unbearable and I thought, what a f%^$ng stupid idea. In a panic and squinting through watering eyes, I ran through the house, up the stairs, and put my blistering chap under the cold water tap in the upstairs bathroom, with the window open wide so I could catch the breeze whilst looking out over the garden. The feeling of very cold water cooling him down was euphoric!! I stood there for about 10 minutes of sheer bliss. I looked down at him, he looked limply at me, and we were happy.

However, over the course of several months, he developed a dry, irritating patch just below the German helmet, a dry patch that would occasionally bleed if I didn’t constantly treat it with a moisturising cream. After a few weeks the bleeding stopped, but a white patch had developed where the dry patch had been, and this white patch had shrunk the skin around it which in turn caused a thin white ring to appear around the circumference. He was being strangled! As time went by, the white ring became whiter and more prominent and very, very, very tight. About a year after the white patch had first appeared, I plucked the courage up to visit the doctor and show him my party piece.

The doctor was so fascinated with the condition that he actually asked me if he could call another doctor to come into the room and take a look at it. So, there was I, standing red faced with trousers around my ankles whilst two doctors gazed on my anomaly like two adventurers who had discovered Atlantis! After two weeks of applying steroid cream with no improvement, I was referred to hospital to see a specialist, who took one look and decided then and there that what was needed was a circumcision!!! I’ll leave the rest of this true tale for another time, but thinking back, I wonder if I could sue the bakery because if it hadn’t been for working constant nights and therefore, constant tiredness, I wouldn’t have felt the need to try Jalapeno sauce as a lubricant to keep my pecker pecking!

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