Explosive !!

I went through a phase of going for long walks with my best friend after he had been made redundant from a job he had done for 25 years. He had worked in the same factory as myself, but I had left 4 years prior to redundancies because of ill health. Anyway, at the time he was made redundant, I was, shall we say, between jobs, so when I wasn’t searching for my next job, we would go on long, long, long walks into the Peak District in Derbyshire, close to where we live.

We would go through the same preparatory ritual the night before: Sandwiches, Drinks, waterproof coats and cigarettes in our backpacks. Our walks would often turn into 20 + mile hikes at a strolling pace, which would regularly take us about 7 or 8 hours.

On one particular occasion, the night before a hike, we had consumed lots and lots of beer, which in retrospect, was not the best idea! Anyhow, we met up the next morning at around 8am on the corner of a street that separated our houses and set off, not sure which route to take, just walking, talking and putting the world to rights. Every couple of miles we would find a place to rest our weary arses and enjoy a drink, a bite to eat and  a smoke (Ironic that we were doing something healthy and complementing it with something unhealthy) The further we walking into the countryside, over fences, over stiles, over virgin fields, through unmarked farm yards,  the more my stomach ached and my stinker twitched!

We were about 10 miles from home when, after fighting off  several windy explosions, I couldn’t hold back anymore, so trusting that it would just be wind, let it go! I stopped it escaping almost instantly as I could feel a lump in the wind. Luckily, we were deep in a forest, so, explaining to my friend Stuart what was about to go down, and come out, whether I liked it or not, started to frantically search for a little bit of seclusion, all the time clenching and moaning in desperation!

I spotted a dip in amongst the brambles and fern just behind a large, rickety old gate and made a dash for it, shouting to Stuart “Won’t be long”. I could hear him laughing as I positioned myself out of sight before ripping the jeans down and squatting. I can tell you now, it was over in a second. Oh, the relief! However, I was then faced with the problem of NO toilet paper! So, thinking on my feet, or thinking in a semi squatting position, I made the executive decision to take my jeans fully off, take my pants off, and use the pants as toilet paper! After I had struggled to keep my balance whilst keeping a sharp eye out for the remote danger of a stranger passing by, I stood up with jeans on, but pantless, and glanced behind me at my enforced production (Sorry, I was just an instinctive reaction!)  and witnessed a million flies descend onto a pile that a cow would have been proud of.

Strangely, I felt liberated but slightly dirty as I caught up with Stuart, who was still laughing at my emergency procedure. The moral of this true story is, don’t leave the house without spare pants or emergency toilet paper, especially after a night on the booze.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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38 thoughts on “Explosive !!

  1. Lol. I think we’ve all been there. I just googled Peak District Derbyshire. Beautiful! I was driving into a small town from our rural house in Panama (about 20km) and I had to go…bad. I pulled down a side road and let her fly…also took about a second. Gratefully I had napkins in the truck. I drove down just a bit to find a turnaround, and when I came back, vultures were feasting on my folly. Ah the circle of life…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. My daddy was a hoot! First there was the poison ivy…then he was on a table, fixing something…his feet slipped out from under him and he fell…on a bag of nails. Mama said she broke several fingernails trying to pull them out. 🥴

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Humour is one of the richest forms of expression we have John 🙂

        i have been working on a similiar post to this vein for a little time, for some reason people feel a little icky after these fun times being discussed so openly lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think if one is honest, EVERY adult has had those caught really short moments. Men may have a slight advantage in that they may be more comfortable going au natural as it were, because men can pee standing up, which makes the process a whole lot easier. Women are forced to squat and I know that many have ruined good shoes while trying to take a wee in the ferns.

    I didn’t know it, but I have irritable bowel syndrome, which kicked off sometime in the mid 90s. Your story brought to mind two different episodes when the call of nature became urgent in highly inappropriate situations. One was while my husband and I were fishing on the banks of a reservoir. There were a LOT of people around, and not one comfort station. I found some scrubby bushes and did my thing, but was in danger of being spotted by a dozen or more, if they’d looked around, which thankfully they did not. I carry tissues in my purse at all times and they sure came in handy. The other episode was while hubby and I were looking at some property in rural Utah, There was nothing on the property but a couple of old rusty farm vehicles. Thankfully there were a LOT of mature trees. When the plague came upon me, I went as far into the woods as I could and found a tree in need of fertilization.

    Both times we cut short our adventure and went home directly.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was so laughing at this post and I loved how you worded it.

    I remember some years ago walking on a trail in Reversal and there was no toilet nearby. I desperately needed a pee. I had to go, but was scared to get caught.

    Liked by 1 person

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