The irony of the title I chose is that the Adam and Eve was a nightclub that closed down many years ago. It was a virtual den of iniquity, the inhabitants of the biblical Sodom and Gomorrah would have blushed at some of the behaviour at happened at this nightclub.
The first time I stepped through the doors of the “Eve” was when I was a fresh faced 17 year old, and boy, was I in for an education. I remember vividly one of the bouncers throwing a boisterous reveller down a flight of stairs that led through the doors that partially hid the flashing, pulsing lights of the dance-floor. The bouncers name was Alan Kirby and, at the time, he was a famous name in the world of wrestling, shown live every Saturday afternoon on Yorkshire TV. I’m pretty sure the money he was paid as a professional wrestler mustn’t have been that great because he was always working the door at the night club every weekend for a few years. Unfortunately, he was was deaf and dumb but he always seemed to have a pleasant nature, apart from when trouble brewed, as the gentleman found out to his cost as he flew down the stairs, touching the bottom with a thud. Every time I watched him wrestle on a Saturday afternoon i would say to whoever was there to listen “I saw him throw somebody down the stairs in the “Eve”.
For years, I always ended my nights at the club, mainly because if you couldn’t get lucky there (Wink, wink) then there was no hope for you! That being said, on one of the last occasions I went there, I had gone out and had been drinking with a few work friends for a few hours and as usual we stumbled into the club, greeted as always, by Mr Kirby. I went straight to the bar whilst two of my friends went directly onto the dance floor to do their thing. I watched for a while as i drank my southern comfort and spotted a woman who smiled at me with definite eye contact. Like John Travolta, I sauntered onto the dance floor, making my way to the girl with the eyes when someone bumped into me with a hip and an arm. I barely had time to look who it was when the owner of the hip and arm stepped in front of me and started dancing wildly. It was a woman who I would guess was in her mid forties. She gripped my neck with her hand and pulled my head to her breasts, jiggling them like a demented snake charmer in my face. I could actually hear her laughing above the very loud music. I swivelled my head to the side and caught a glimpse of my friends pointing and laughing and simultaneously caught a glimpse of the woman with the eyes walking off the dance floor. She had obviously witnessed what had happened to me and decided to moved on. The demented middle aged but attractive woman was oblivious to my initial intentions when I stepped onto the dance floor and continued to smother my nostrils with her ample breasts. I gave up the fight and allowed her take control of my time on the dance floor.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know that she was going to clasp my fingers between her fingers and twist my little fingers back. I presume this was her idea of foreplay, but it certainly wasn’t mine! I think she must have seen the pain and shock that crossed my face because she stopped her torture and in an instant, her lips were forcefully devouring mine in an attempt to suck what life was left in my body. Then she placed both of my large hands on her bottom, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and bit my bottom lip. I think I nearly headbutted her as the pain made my head jerk, which only seemed to amuse her as she laughed and her kisses became even more forceful. Jesus, she was going to kill me! Then, without any indication, she started to behave normally, dancing very close, hugging me and kissing me softly. We wrestled on the dance floor for quite a while, but I couldn’t escape her.
During the last dance she was very gentle with me, allowing me the opportunity to look around and see my friends who were watching intently and putting their thumbs up. When the last dance ended, all of the lights went on and she held my hand and led me out of the main doors and down the stairs. Believe it or not, this is were it gets weird.
As the fresh night air washed over my sweaty body, she turned to me, pecked my cheek with the lightest of kisses and ran across the road to a waiting car with a man in the driving seat. They both waved at me, both of them smiling as I watched them drive off. One of my friends came and stood beside me and said “I thought she was a certainty”. I looked at him, he looked at me, and we both started laughing as we walked a few steps to the burger van. We lived a few doors from each other so we walked the mile home, eating, laughing and agreeing that I had probably dodged a crazy bullet.
Happy but physically painful memories.