No Shitting On The Toilet!!

This is probably not the best subject to talk about but as I’ve grown older my sensory buttons seem to have gone AWOL, leaving me in a constant state of ‘Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but what the hell’.

My toiletry habits are, even though I say so myself, legendary amongst family and friends! (Sorry family and friends) When I say toiletry habits I mean the expulsion of extremely noxious flatulence.

I feel confident that if I had lived during WW2, a certain Totalitarian leader would have made full use of my ‘Talent’! (Sorry, no offence intended)

Ever since I was a boy my natural aptitude for imitating Skunks has never let me down (Unfortunately) One of the first instances of receiving a telling off from my mum was when I uncontrollably erupted during a visit from the local priest. Remarkably, he kept his cup of tea in his stomach but my mums embarrassment and look of intense fury told me I was ‘In for it’ when he left the building!!

Thinking about it, maybe that’s why dad wasn’t around much, his stomach couldn’t handle the morbid stench any longer! I recall when I worked in the factory at Auto-windscreens that one of my subtle leaks would often receive spontaneous looks of revulsion and occasionally a round of applause from one particular work colleague!

Another one of my work colleagues was unfortunate enough to work opposite me for a couple of years. His naturally high octave voice always went up a couple of notches when the aroma attacked his Italian nostrils, which made me laugh so much that another squeaky one would follow, causing mayhem. My very first ‘Girlfriend ‘ didn’t last long. I was only 8 or 9 (Can’t remember) but she ran from me after about 2 or 3 hours. (Who can blame her) Thankfully my talent has dissipated over the years, but not gone altogether. My best friend became very upset a few weeks ago whilst we were playing a game around a table in his house. He asked me to “STOP IT” several times 😂 but nature had different ideas so his reaction and my inability to stop forced me to leave the game and the house, leaving me to fart and curse all the way home.

In fact, one day last week (19th March) was my birthday and we all went out to celebrate. Unfortunately, my uncontrollable flatulence celebrated as well! We were all enjoying a last drink in a pub when it ‘Released ‘ itself. I heard a complete stranger, who was stood at the bar about 20 feet away, turn to his mate and bark “Have you farted?” I couldn’t help but laugh silently but I think I was the only one laughing!!

So, there you have it, you know my secret! For some reason, I’m not self conscious about it, but I have learnt to walk very quickly when one escapes!

46 thoughts on “No Shitting On The Toilet!!

      1. Yes you do! When we went out on our first date he held them and then self propelled himself all the ay back to his flat! He’s been doing that this week, he can’t fart at his clients house, so he farts all the way home in his van and has to pen the windows! I am sure you can relate! Moisy

        Liked by 3 people

  1. I can’t believe you actually could type this words😂happy birthday, sorry for the delay😺i hope the cake didn’t do any damage😂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. yes antibiotics does the job, thank you for asking, and you? I hope soon i can jump put if the bed with full power😁

        Liked by 2 people

  2. What an absolutely hysterical read. Im chuckling to myself in the lounge like a complete idiot… Get a dog… you might be able to blame him (if he can survive the onslaught) although SPCA might not appreciate it. #cabbageisnothelpful 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤪😂🤪🤣😎

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This was hilarious! I take my clients (developmentally disabled) out into the community and I have one lady that does the same thing. Last night she was standing at the pretzel place which usually smells great when the air suddenly turned into sulfur!

    Liked by 2 people

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