This is probably not the best subject to talk about but as I’ve grown older my sensory buttons seem to have gone AWOL, leaving me in a constant state of ‘Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but what the hell’.
My toiletry habits are, even though I say so myself, legendary amongst family and friends! (Sorry family and friends) When I say toiletry habits I mean the expulsion of extremely noxious flatulence.
I feel confident that if I had lived during WW2, a certain Totalitarian leader would have made full use of my ‘Talent’! (Sorry, no offence intended)
Ever since I was a boy my natural aptitude for imitating Skunks has never let me down (Unfortunately) One of the first instances of receiving a telling off from my mum was when I uncontrollably erupted during a visit from the local priest. Remarkably, he kept his cup of tea in his stomach but my mums embarrassment and look of intense fury told me I was ‘In for it’ when he left the building!!
Thinking about it, maybe that’s why dad wasn’t around much, his stomach couldn’t handle the morbid stench any longer! I recall when I worked in the factory at Auto-windscreens that one of my subtle leaks would often receive spontaneous looks of revulsion and occasionally a round of applause from one particular work colleague!
Another one of my work colleagues was unfortunate enough to work opposite me for a couple of years. His naturally high octave voice always went up a couple of notches when the aroma attacked his Italian nostrils, which made me laugh so much that another squeaky one would follow, causing mayhem. My very first ‘Girlfriend ‘ didn’t last long. I was only 8 or 9 (Can’t remember) but she ran from me after about 2 or 3 hours. (Who can blame her) Thankfully my talent has dissipated over the years, but not gone altogether. My best friend became very upset a few weeks ago whilst we were playing a game around a table in his house. He asked me to “STOP IT” several times 😂 but nature had different ideas so his reaction and my inability to stop forced me to leave the game and the house, leaving me to fart and curse all the way home.
In fact, one day last week (19th March) was my birthday and we all went out to celebrate. Unfortunately, my uncontrollable flatulence celebrated as well! We were all enjoying a last drink in a pub when it ‘Released ‘ itself. I heard a complete stranger, who was stood at the bar about 20 feet away, turn to his mate and bark “Have you farted?” I couldn’t help but laugh silently but I think I was the only one laughing!!
So, there you have it, you know my secret! For some reason, I’m not self conscious about it, but I have learnt to walk very quickly when one escapes!