Despairing

It’s difficult to put into words why I feel so dejected and hopeless lately. It’s really not like me, I usually cope with the shit life sometimes throws up. I don’t usually let things effect me. I never look for sympathy, at least I don’t think I do, so I’m not writing this for sympathy.

I normally have a smile for everyone, even when I’m sad inside I still smile and get on with things.

I remember when I had just left school I broke out in teenage acne. That really depressed me and my older brother (6 years older) relentlessly teased me to the point that I locked myself in my room for a month, only coming out to use the toilet and collect a plate of food. I felt very sorry for myself and I remember being ashamed of the way I looked and even more ashamed of the amount of self pity I was wallowing in.

Right now, I feel the same way, not because of acne or anything like that, but I recognise the same feeling of hopelessness, and I have no idea why.

18 thoughts on “Despairing

  1. Sorry to hear that – it’s a pretty down-beat atmosphere in UK right now, which doesn’t help.
    Hope you feel better soon, and can get support if it’s more than a case of the passing blues.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. For what it’s worth, a friend of mine was saying at the weekend that he gets hit a few times every year by sadness and blackness that has no obvious cause. His said it is worse than ever this year. His remedy is to wait and let it pass. Best wishes matey.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. “Even cowgirls get the blues sometimes…”
    I think it’s incredibly brave of you to be so open and discuss this publicly. If you have no idea why, it’s probably depression and a chemical imbalance or possibly a physical one.
    No only do I have depression, unmedicated, but I’ve also had my thyroid removed. Depression can be a symptom of that as well as many other illnesses, medications and medical issues. It’s important that I take D3 not only because of “winter blues” but because of my thyroid issue.
    Perhaps try 10,000 IU of vitamin d3 a day and see if you dont feel much better within a few days or perhaps, talk to your doctor?
    I’m glad you are writing about it though. It’s good to write it out and also form a support group of your followers.
    I don’t know were you ate are spiritually but in times of sadness, reading psalms calms my spirit as well. Prayers and best wishes, friend.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I’ve found blogging is very useful for understanding the self and the stuff going on within. Every feeling has a story, sometimes several stories, within it, and within those stories are the answers to life’s personal puzzles. Sometimes it’s just one tiny detail which unravels the knot.

    You’e an excellent personal storyteller. Write it out, tell the stories which go with it and which come to mind at this time, like the one about when you had acne – tell the whole story about the you who had that experience, see what that you has to share with you now since you were reminded of that period.

    If you don’t want to share it publicly, set the post to ‘private’ when you publish it. I find sharing it publicly can be liberating, especially when shame or something along those lines is connected to the experience. It’s also helpful to get comments and notice your reaction to the comments.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. ❤ John – I feel for you because it can be quite frightening to go through a period of intense despair and especially if you don't know why. I feel very proud of you for writing about it, because it is very real and so many people she away from admitting they feel broken inside at some points.

    I hope you have a good chance to rest…physically and mentally…and take your time. Don't pressure yourself. If you find that it is lingering, then do get a bit more help. Keep writing too. Throw things at us…unsettled thoughts and feelings and questions. It is amazing what other people can sometimes suggest.

    Be assured that many who read your posts will empathise greatly having tasted despair themselves. Sometimes we don't have a perfect solution, but we do wish we could hug you and reassure you how much we want you to come through this.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    (I was truly despairing after what happened with Jack and that's why I went to the park on my own that night…I was utterly overwhelmed with the sadness and pain that night and I went and sat on a bench on my own and cried and cried. What happened to me that night completely yanked me out of a situation that had become completely unbearable.)

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I was on antidepressants for two years, then was able to wean off of them. I haven’t needed them since, but would certainly take them again if I needed to.

    I had resisted taking them, because I thought they would either turn me into a zombie or a grinning idiot. They didn’t do either of those things. They just made me feel like myself again.

    Of course, I have no idea if this is the right thing for you. I just thought my experience might help as you’re going through your options.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hi John, I read once that it is okay to feel down, and important to tell ourselves that. I still keep a journal & at times such as where you find yourself now I write in it & just see what comes out. I am always surprised and find it really helpful. To re-read it before the next entry is also helpful because you can see where you are and if you have moved Forward. I believe we should talk about mental health, thank you for sharing. Moisy ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Not good news to read that you are down like this my friend. It’s five days since you penned this post, are you seeing the light in your tunnel as of yet, or are you in the same darkness still?

    If you have the ability to hyperfocus, try doing that – doesn’t matter on what, but just something that kicks your mind away from the hole it’s in.

    Do you play chess? Sometimes a strategy game even with yourself is inspirational, not a computer generated chess either as you are staring at the sceen, but an actual physical game of chess, you might surprise yourself – more if you can attach your personality to the key pieces.

    You could try posting, anyone that can talk of the dunny and make it funny, can talk about the inner core. As Ursula says [An Upturned Soul] you don’t have to set it to public post, although the application of talking to strangers sometimes helps enormously.

    Good walks, and not being funny but in busy places again kick starts the mind. You are either going through a blue, or something is stirring much deeper.

    I wish you luck with this journey, but don’t forget you might be surprised at the reactions you get just by posting, take this post as an example 🙂

    Rory

    Liked by 2 people

  9. You know John, sometimes there is simply no reason for these things, they can just happen, and in fact usually those that don’t know why it’s happening get hit hard. There will be a reason. The point to the chess game, or just a game with pieces is to attach a potential stress point or trigger to a pice, and then try and further identify why it’s a problem for you at this point in time.

    Also remember and l am sure you know this … but it’s ok to not be ok, ok? So please don’t dwell on thinking about being down as a bad thing my friend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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