Fun, Frolics and Horrendous Flatulence in Side, Turkey

So, before I  begin the story of our recent holiday to Side in Turkey, I am going to give you a clue as to the theme of our adventure. (It has little to do with the title) There exists a famous line from one of Shakespeare’s great plays, The Twelfth Night.

“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great,

some achieve greatness, and some have greatness

Thrust upon them”.

My take on these great words is “Be not afraid of becoming a carer. Some are born carers, some develop the ability to become carers and some have the title of carer thrust upon them”. (I come somewhere in the “Thrust upon” description)

On the day of our departure, we, all four of us (Me, The Carer, Stu, Shuffle and Click, Jackie, The Grave Digger and Angie, Mother Hen) left Chesterfield train station with baggage in tow, bound for the city of Sheffield. (The nicknames will become apparent later in the story) Once in Sheffield, we humped our baggage from the train to the pub attached to the station and settled down for the first of many alcoholic drinks during our holiday. (Actually, myself and Angie struggled with most of the luggage between us because Stu has a disability that prevents him from recognising a suitcase, and Jackie is old and frail)  (Jokeeeeeee) Anyway, to cut a long story short, we boarded the train bound for Manchester airport after daring to drink one of their bloody awful pints of overpriced beer and arrived in good spirits an hour and twenty minutes later at the airport.

After checking in and waiting for the boarding gates to open, we settled into our seats and awaited take-off. The only thing was, myself, Angie and Jackie were all seated together with Stuart seated directly behind us in the isle seat. We hadn’t been in the air for long when Romeo and Juliet, the two people sat next to Stuart, started annoying him. Before I get into it, it has to be said that Stuart is reminiscent of Victor Meldrew (One Foot In The Grave)  Very dry and funny with it,  always commenting about the state of the planet, especially the idiots who live on it. (The world’s gone nuts) type of bloke. His travel partners (Romeo and Juliet) were definitely the type of people who made his piss boil. The air stewardess came around with a trolley and upon stopping at the side of Stuart, asked if he and they wanted food or drinks. R & J piped up immediately, asking for champagne. The stewardess asked if it was a special occasion and Romeo said something like “Because we love each other”. They then proceeded to drink several bottles of champers, slowly getting pissed as we made our way over mainland Europe. Of course, drinking so much alcohol  automatically means several trips to the toilet, which meant continually asking Stuart to move from his seat so they could pass him. On two of those occasions when he had to stand up, he bumped his follically challenged head on the overhead luggage compartments. I swear to God and Allah that R & J didn’t stop talking during the entire four and a half hour journey. At one point Juliet knocked her champers over. I only realised she had spilt it because I suddenly felt the bottom of my back and the back of my jeans become very wet. For a split second I thought the good Lord had suddenly seen fit to play a joke and strike me incontinent! Juliet apologised. I accepted.

During the flight, the four of us passed a bag of mint imperials between us. When Stuart got his hands on the bag, he tipped it up a little too far and about half of the contents landed in his hands, some of which fell on the floor. I had a quiet chuckle and then forgot about it until the air hostess walked past, looked down and saw what looked like cocaine strewn across the floor. Stuart had inadvertently crushed them with his shoes. She said “Who’s been using white”? I wasn’t entirely convinced that she was joking but I must admit her words tickled me.

We eventually landed at Antalya Airport at around 00.30, exhausted from travelling with ears that were virtually bleeding from the incessant chatter of Romeo and Juliet. When we disembarked and waited for out baggage, Stuart mentioned that Juliet was a gold digger and that she would bleed Romeo dry, which is when we noticed that Stuart had sustained two battle wounds from headbutting the overhead compartment. Where skin should have been, there was now two round patches of raw skin. He really was an old soldier, with battle wounds to prove it.

Instalment number 2 coming soon.

10 thoughts on “Fun, Frolics and Horrendous Flatulence in Side, Turkey

      1. Now that I see you’ve been writing chapters on your vaca, I will be coming back to read all of it, bit by bit. I’m getting a real chuckle out of your descriptions.

        Liked by 1 person

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