This is the penultimate post about our holiday to Turkey and I have lots of memories to write down in these final two posts.
Those nights sitting on the balcony of the apartment were an ideal way to end every day. As I mentioned before, looking down on the pool area with all its multi coloured lights flickering away was very relaxing. Mix that scene with the sounds of laughter from the die-hards around the pool bar and I can’t think of many better ways of rounding off the day. When the bar finally emptied it was almost completely silent, that is almost silent apart from the seismic activity that regularly caused the balcony to shake. I am of course referring to the explosions of methane gas coming from all four arses!!!
I remember the most impressive explosion came from Stu aka Shuffle and Click. One night in particular was memorable. We were all sat on the balcony and he announced that he was going to retire for the night. (It was about 1am) Now, through no fault of his own, Shuffle often struggled getting up out of his chair, regularly making 2 or 3 attempts before he could stand, accompanied with a sound effect of huaaaa huaaaa huaaa as he built up the momentum to stand. As he was beginning to stand, whilst in a semi crouched position, with his arse just clear of the seat and with his head down, he released what can only be described as a hum dinger. The bubbling noise resembled the sound you might produce if you held a wet canoe paddle against an overhead rotating fan going at top speed! (Bapapapapap) 10 people standing around a bare arse slapping it super fast would be a good description of the sound. You know how a fart normally starts sharp and loud and then quickly fades into the distance? Well this one refused to fade, the pitch and tone remained at the same level from start to finish. And it was incredibly long, I think I could have gone to the shop to buy another packet of crisps for him and return to hear the last remnants of his overture! It was the Tom Jones of all farts.
What made it funnier was that there was no expression of regret, acknowledgment or embarrassment from Shuffle, just a low chuckle as he shuffled off towards his bedroom! Unfortunately, the horrible aroma didn’t follow him to his bedroom, it hung around the balcony like a green, thick, putrid mist that attacked the lungs. HORRIFYING!!
The aroma the grave digger produced was a slight improvement (If you can call it that) but hers were quick and lively, like a Usain Bolt coming from her rear end. I actually think they snuck out without her permission because her farts took her by surprise. Immediately after she had surprised herself, she grinned without showing her one tooth (Jokeeee) nodded and then insisted she wasn’t the culprit! The aroma she produced was probably in cahoots with her grave digging mantel because it smelt like what I imagine a deceased cast member from the Living Dead series would smell like after rotting for weeks in a vat full of scrambled eggs!! Actually, the grave digger did apologise, albeit with a give away look on her face that spoke of a certain pride in her effort!
Mother hen chipped in now and again with what can only be described as a muffled air bubble escaping deep water. In fact, she would often expel gas whilst in the pool, the jacuzzi effect that surrounded her was all the evidence I needed.
As for my part in the expelling of gas party, I can only say that it’s a natural and frequent part of my everyday life. However, whilst on this particular holiday, the aroma that I created can only be described as the blooming of a rose in the throes of early spring 😊😎.
Talking of sitting on the balcony, there was one afternoon that we stood on the balcony to watch a storm come over the mountains. We had been relaxing by the pool, lazing on sun-beds when the wind picked up (Not the man made type) Gradually, the other sun worshipers left their sun-beds, picked up their towels and stood underneath the shaded area by the bar. The entertainments guy walked by and said “There’s a stormaaaa on the wayaaa”. Dark clouds rolled over the sky so we got up and went up to our balcony to get a Birdseye view of the incoming storm.
From the balcony we watched the mountains disappear under a sheet of rain and waited for it to arrive over the town. As we looked down, all of the parasols started to dance around the pool area so the staff moved quickly to collapse all of them and move them indoors. Claps of thunder accompanied the storm clouds as the rain came in. It lasted for about 15 or 20 minutes and to be honest, shuffles stupendous gas explosion was much more impressive than the storm. If Zeus had transported Shuffle to the top of the mountains and instructed him to let one go, we would have been witness to a force 10 hurricane of biblical proportions!
Ok, that’s it for this post, one more to write before the end. So, until then.