When I Was Johnny English: 3rd part. Lisa and Sam (John)

So the phone went clickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I didn’t go back into the chatroom, I thought it best not to antagonise the situation. Then remarkably, my phone rang a few days later with an American number flashing across the screen, I answered and it was Lisa. She simply started the conversation with “You’re an asshole”!

Again I couldn’t agree more, but she laughed and said she was “Hooked” on me as a person, not the woman I had pretended to be!! Fuck!!!

It was an unforeseen, highly irregular predicament. There I was, an English man with a warped sense of humour, who had pretended to be an English bisexual woman called Sam, and an American bisexual woman had “Fallen” for me!!!

So, what do I do? I became friendly with her as the real me. (Whoever that was) However, it became slightly unnerving when a knock came on the door. I answered it and a postman stood there with a package addressed to me!!! A big package!

I took it off him, closed the door and looked at the postmark. Virginia, USA. Shit. (Not the country you until, I mean the package)

I opened it up and a big, cuddly teddy bear burst out from its constraints, with a very strong aroma wafting from its fur. (It turned out, it was her favourite perfume) It had a dog tag around its furry neck with the word ‘John’ printed on it. In addition to the teddy, there was an envelope. Inside it was a photograph (At long distance, taken from a birds eye angle) of me standing in my back garden, which was unusual because I’ve never been an enthusiastic gardener.

Later that same day, she rang me to ask if I’d received the package? Of course I said yes, politely thanked her for the gift and asked her how on earth she had photographed me? All she would say was the company she worked for had been given something to test and she was testing it.

Of course, in hindsight, it was Google Earth, but I had never heard of it and it was very disconcerting. I remember walking to work at 5.45 in the mornings, looking up to the skies and half expecting a giant flash of a camera or a UFO to swoop down and pick me up!!!

From that day, I was forever looking over my shoulder. I recieved three more small packages. One contained a gold leafed bookmark, number 2 contained a pair of frilly, very small purple pants that had exactly the same aroma as the teddy bear!! (I might add, they were clean) The 3rd package was astonishing. It was a return flight to Virginia!

Of course, I sent the ticket back to the place she had given me as her home address.

I started to ignore her calls and eventually she stopped trying, probably after she had received her ticket back. I can’t explain it but I felt guilty for not answering the phone, but I couldn’t see any other way of dealing with it.

I was definitely an asshole, and on that occasion, my ‘Innocent joke’ definitely backfired!!!

Let this be a warning to the jokers amongst you, unless of course, you want to receive a pair of purple pants through the post!

48 thoughts on “When I Was Johnny English: 3rd part. Lisa and Sam (John)

  1. That is so freaky! I will wear a huge hat in future and wear clothes ALL the time outside! Maybe you should have gone to visit her!? You may have changed her orientation… were the purple pants nice? πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That was a scary lesson … πŸ˜‰
    But I don’t think it was Google Earth, they usually blotch the faces of people so that you cannot recognize them. So it might have been worse than you thought … πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    Liked by 3 people

  3. All the talk about the purple pants–I assume you mean panties? Otherwise they wouldn’t have fit that easily into your locker and, more importantly, one of the lads wouldn’t have benefited from jeans. MUST have been undies, lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pants are jeans here! Slacks, trousers, khakis!
    Or something one does when they’ve run upstairs really fast!
    Not panties, not here!

    I was just picture you stuffing a big pair of blue jeans into your locker and then the guy who cleaned it out later getting aroused by the…color of the dye? The stiching?! LOL

    Panties, undies, drawers, skivvies, undergarments.

    OH! But underPANTS. Yes! We say underpants for undies sometiomes, but it’s a little formal and usually reserved for children. “Get your underpants on, Bobby! Time for school, buddy.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Ok. Get it. Pants are pants, I wear pants (Sometimes) πŸ€ͺ women wear panties (Sometimes) πŸ€ͺ you know sometimes I say underpants to people because I know it will prick their attention and they feel the need to correct me πŸ€ͺ I don’t mean people on WP and my friends (You) I mean some of the people I know where I live.
      Some of they’re reactions are quite funny 🀣🀣

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You say underpants when you’re talking about what–panties, tighty whities, or slacks?
    So I can understand how people correct you, LOL ! ! ! !

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh…yeah. Guys and panties. It’s a big insult to say, “Don’t get your panties in a bunch!” to a guy. That’s fisticuffs talk!

    Tighty whities are those white underwear for men that’re form-fitting, not loose like boxers………….

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Creepy and funny at the same time. Smart that you returned that ticket. I bet the Teddy bear was cute though…I am a bit of a teddy bear fanatic myself but I prefer the handmade artist bears over the mass produced ones of course. Also I would never accept a teddy from a stalker, they can be so annoying those stalkers out there.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, it’s quite difficult right now for me to write a blog, it’s seems like I don’t get the time! But thank you for your sentiments 😊 appreciate it.

        Like

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