Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 1

“What a carry on”. The term ‘What the actual fuck’ springs to mind before I begin the short break account of our trip to Skeg-Vagas. My brain has been reduced to scrambled eggs and my eyes are bleeding!

In all honesty and hand on testicles, it was a bloody good laugh and a great way to spend my birthday weekend.

I knew we were in for a funny weekend when myself and my wife Angie (Musslini) pulled up outside Stuey and Jackie’s (Shuffle and Grave diggers) bungalow. As Musollini and myself played jenga by squeezing their luggage into the boot, Jackie and Mellie (It’s lovely) followed us to the car. A second later, Shuffle ambled towards the car like John Wayne struggling to walk with a huge cock between his legs. (Stuey has a poorly back so it isn’t his fault) When the 3 amigos were finally sitting on the back seat, Shuffle proclaimed with great gusto, that grave digger had heard ‘It’s Lovely’ having a crafty ham shank at 4am!! The funny thing was, when she accused him of being caught, It’s Lovely’s retort was  “What time did you hear me”? So there was no denial, just a confirmation of the time. Of course, we pulled his leg about his crafty shank, and asked him how many he had managed to squeeze one in (Or out) throughout the night. I think I saw him thrusting his groin forwards in rapid movements as he drooled in his best porn voice “It’s lovely!!

Before we actually set off, Musslini barked her demands at Grave digger, and terrifyingly ‘advised’ Digger (With a cold blooded stare) to sit in the middle because she would have more leg room. (By the way, her legs are only 16 inches long so that didn’t make sense) However, Digger knew better and trembled nervously when she insisted on sitting by the window. As per usual, Musslini was proved right, because Digger’s voice was heard to be complaining for the first hour of our journey about having no room. It was quite funny and very fortuitous when I discovered every time I took a left hand bend, ‘It’s Lovely’ squashed Digger into the door. Her little squeals of “Urrrrhhhpppmmmm” accompanied by curse words aimed at ‘It’s Lovely’ made me chuckle. I made a point of speeding up around the bends just to hear her squeak and give It’s Lovely a piece of her mind!!

We stopped twice on our journey for a cuppa and for those with leaky bladders to empty them. The second stop proved to be the catalyst for a leg pull that rolled over our 3 day weekend.  ‘It’s Lovely’ had run out of cigarettes so we pulled up outside a garage so he could buy some (Dirty habit) He bought some, came back to the car and lit one up (Not far from the petrol pumps!) Oblivious to the possibility of killing everybody within a half mile radius, It’s Lovely spoke lovingly about the Honda 50 he owned when he was a younger man. He embraced his youthful memories as lovingly as he had embraced his tallywackle at 4am and told us about riding to Skegness to visit his brother Ronnie’s shop. He told us how it took him 2 hrs 30 minutes to ride there, his once golden locks waffting wildly in the wind. Every 30 seconds, I interrupted him to  ask “It took you an hour and a half ” and “Ronnie had a shop in Skeggy”? It’s Lovely corrected me every time I interrupted him, Oblivious to the fact I was winding him up. He’d say “No, you twat, I said 2 hrs 30 minutes and it wasn’t Ronnie’s shop, he just worked in it”. Shuffle was chipping in with the wind-up, Grave Digger was cackling in the back and Musslini expelled a deep, evil chuckle that told me I was a dead man if I didn’t stop it.

It’s Lovely re-assumed his position in the car, and we rode on to Skeg-Vagas, arriving 30 minutes later to begin what was to be a continuation of a great weekend.

Part 2 to follow with bleeding eyes!!!