The sun, the sand and the beautiful historical island of Rhodes beckoned us, and we damn well followed the call like arsonists to a dry forest. The difference with this 2 week (3 years delayed holiday) was the usual 4 (Me, Angie, Stuey and Jackie) were joined by Dave and Julie (Angie’s Dad and mum) The island was not ready for us, this virgin Island was about to be butt fucked by 6 aging sex fiends (We wish!!) Actually, we are more like 5 retired vibrators with the batteries removed.
I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, the holiday vibe begins when the eyes open on the morning of the day of departure. The batteries are temporarily in the vibrator and you’re buzzing with excitement. That’s how it felt when I bounced out of bed. Bags had been packed the night before and taken downstairs. all that was needed was a coffee at the crack of dawn and then wait for Dave and Jue to arrive at our house. (Stu and Jackie were picked up by me an hour earlier and brought down to the house) Excited chitter chatter filled the air as we waited for Dave and Jue. A military precision plan had been formulated by Ang to put all 6 suitcases and 5 hand luggage into Dave’s car and for Stu and Jackie to travel to the airport with me and Angie. We paced the living room like rabid tigers waiting for Dave and Ju to arrive (Stu sat in the garden making clouds with his ecig, chilled to the max) They arrived and Ju came breezing in full of holiday beans. Dave remained outside smoking a cigarette. The first thing that Ju said to us was “I’ve got an electric toothbrush, where shall I stick it”!? A ripple of laughter escaped and she looked at me and said “Oh God, what have I just said”! Of course I remembered that unforgettable phrase, hence the title of this first installment.
So the scene was set, the bags were put into Dave’s car and for some inexplicable reason, I was given the role of leading our little convoy to the airport (Big, big, bigggggg mistake, because my inner satnav is, has been and always will be scrambled and nonsensical) Actually, we only live a 30 minute drive to the airport and I’ve driven there several times over the years, so I foolishly believed in myself. I did ask Angie to check what exit we needed on the M1, and then we set off. Now, Angie will not admit this, but she gave me the WRONG instruction because we flew by the junction we needed (I knew in my head we had driven past it but I simply followed Angie’s instruction) We found out that Dave and Julie also recognised I had driven past it but followed anyway, probably thinking I knew a quicker route. The second I drove past it, Angie informed me I had missed the slip road. My reply was to inform her that she had instructed me to get off at the next exit!! She denied it but I stuck to my guns. Anyway, we got off at the next exit with Dave behind us, probably thinking to himself, “What a twat!” Then somehow, as I carried on along the road, I looked in the rear view and I couldn’t see Dave (I missed the turning again!) Eventually I arrived at the entrance to the airport carparks but couldn’t see Dave. Presuming Dave had got there 3 hours before me lol, we followed the signs to our carpark and parked up. (Still no sign of Dave and Ju) Angie got out of the car and went to scan the huge carpark for her dad’s car, Eventually spotting them driving towards her. She waved at them and ushered them to where we had parked. Dave and Ju parked alongside us and got out, then told us they had driven into the wrong carpark, which cost them £5 to get back out of it for a grand total of 1 minute!!! So that was our journey to the airport, and just when I thought the stress had ended, I was wrong. It became much worse and funnier. More to follow.