Rhodes Trip Part 2: A Nightmare unfolds.

Before I get into the nightmare scenario at the airport, I going to reel off the nicknames we all earnt and damn well deserved during the holiday. My name became ‘Satnav Not’, Angie became ‘Sandra the divorcee ‘, Stu became the ‘Wandering Cowboy’, Dave became the ‘Historical Jukebox ‘, Julie became the ‘Laughing Seal and Jackie became ‘Flirty Girty ‘. The reasons behind every nickname will make sense over the course of all 97 episodes.  (Only joking!) It will only be 95……

We unloaded Dave’s car and walked with our baggage to a bus stop to wait for the bus to take us to the airport entrance.  The bus was choka block with passengers so we had to stand in the Isles, which wasn’t great for Stu because of his walking difficulties. (I’m pretty sure Jackie farted because she miraculously created a little bit more room for herself: only joking Jackie!!) We arrived at the entrance and dragged our luggage after us. Before we went into the airport, cigarettes and ecigs were sucked on with great big salivating deep intakes of breath before we entered the lions den. The queue was big but unavoidable.  Luckily, a person who worked at the airport noticed Stu was struggling, so he was led to a seat, where he stayed until we had reached the check-in desk. Angie took charge and ‘Ordered’ everyone to have passports and Covid papers at the ready. I stood and gazed at her and imagined the words that were buzzing around in her Musslini like mind “Zer must be no delays”. (Just joking Angie!!) Anyway, we reached the check-in desk and went through the usual rigmarole, then it was time to weigh the luggage. “You’re overweight ” said the lady in charge. (I thought rude, but fair enough lol) Seriously, all the luggage was over the limit, but Angie disagreed, and produced the paperwork that indicated our luggage allowance.  The woman looked at it very briefly and stuck to her decision, we were overweight. I’m not sure what was going through the minds of the other 5, but I looked at the growing queue behind us and thought ‘Fuuuccckkk’! So, we were advised to stand to the side and take items from our cases and transfer them into our hand luggage. (Didn’t make any kind of sense to me because no matter what Bag our possessions were in, we would still be boarding the plane with the same weight) Anyway, we stood to the side and watched other people go through the check-in without a hitch. Luggage was opened, underwear and other items of clothes were swapped from one to the other. (Not sure what Jackie was carrying in her suitcase, but it was long and sausage shaped, hiding in a black carrier bag) Just joking Jackie!! Stu had been brought across to us and stood watching the Great clothing swap because he couldn’t bend down. Eventually, we finished and waited for the chance to jump in and get our cases re-weighed. We were still over the limit (I really wish I had been over the limit at that precise moment) but it cost us £60 rather than the extortionate amount the first person had quoted us. We paid and moved towards security/customs and then we walked through the duty free shops, looking longingly at the tempting bottles of alcohol.  It didn’t take us long to find a bar and sit down with a cold one, apart from Stu, who strangely, opted for water!! We found the smoking section and looked out onto the runway whilst we puffed away, relaxation overriding our stress levels.  Back at the table in the bar, we finished our first pint, then all meandered towards our boarding gate to sit, chatter like excited kids and wait. About 20 minutes before we were due to board, airport security came into view and ordered everyone to move in the direction she was pointing.  People moved blindly, most of whom, didn’t bother to ask why. Not Angie. Her breasts became bigger and angry, inflated with frustration, and she surprisingly asked in a very calm tone why we were being asked to move, adding our friend Stu was tired and couldn’t walk much further. The security lady said, “A suspicious package has been found, we’re evacuating everyone “. (Hello stress levels, welcomeback!!) We followed the herd of sheep, stopping briefly so Stu could rest. (Angie actually took charge of Stu’s health and went to commandeer a wheelchair. Not sure where she found the wheelchair but we passed a legless old lady trembling on the floor, blood poring from her nose) Joking Angie!! Eventually, we came to a halt because we couldn’t go any further and came to a large room packed to the rafters with a few hundred fellow suffering travellers. We found chairs to sit on and waited and waited and waited and…… A policeman came and stood by the entrance and he was instantly surrounded by inquisitive people, all asking the same bloody question.  After about 3 hours of sitting in what effectively became a sweatbox, the all clear was given and different departure gates began to blink on the screens overhead.

We sat down at the gates and waited again, eventually walking down onto the tarmac towards the big bird waiting to fly us to a little piece of paradise.

I’ve Got An Electric Toothbrush, Where Shall I Stick It? Rhodes Trip.

The sun, the sand and the beautiful historical island of Rhodes beckoned us, and we damn well followed the call like arsonists to a dry forest. The difference with this 2 week (3 years delayed holiday) was the usual 4 (Me, Angie, Stuey and Jackie) were joined by Dave and Julie (Angie’s Dad and mum) The island was not ready for us, this virgin Island was about to be butt fucked by 6 aging sex fiends (We wish!!) Actually, we are more like 5 retired vibrators with the batteries removed.

I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, the holiday vibe begins when the eyes open on the morning of the day of departure. The batteries are temporarily in the vibrator and you’re buzzing with excitement. That’s how it felt when I bounced out of bed. Bags had been packed the night before and taken downstairs. all that was needed was a coffee at the crack of dawn and then wait for Dave and Jue to arrive at our house. (Stu and Jackie were picked up by me an hour earlier and brought down to the house) Excited chitter chatter filled the air as we waited for Dave and Jue. A military precision plan had been formulated by Ang to put all 6 suitcases and 5 hand luggage into Dave’s car and for Stu and Jackie to travel to the airport with me and Angie. We paced the living room like rabid tigers waiting for Dave and Ju to arrive (Stu sat in the garden making clouds with his ecig, chilled to the max) They arrived and Ju came breezing in full of holiday beans. Dave remained outside smoking a cigarette. The first thing that Ju said to us was “I’ve got an electric toothbrush, where shall I stick it”!? A ripple of laughter escaped and she looked at me and said “Oh God, what have I just said”! Of course I remembered that unforgettable phrase, hence the title of this first installment.

So the scene was set, the bags were put into Dave’s car and for some inexplicable reason, I was given the role of leading our little convoy to the airport (Big, big, bigggggg mistake, because my inner satnav is, has been and always will be scrambled and nonsensical) Actually, we only live a 30 minute drive to the airport and I’ve driven there several times over the years, so I foolishly believed in myself. I did ask Angie to check what exit we needed on the M1, and then we set off. Now, Angie will not admit this, but she gave me the WRONG instruction because we flew by the junction we needed (I knew in my head we had driven past it but I simply followed Angie’s instruction) We found out that Dave and Julie also recognised I had driven past it but followed anyway, probably thinking I knew a quicker route. The second I drove past it, Angie informed me I had missed the slip road. My reply was to inform her that she had instructed me to get off at the next exit!! She denied it but I stuck to my guns. Anyway, we got off at the next exit with Dave behind us, probably thinking to himself, “What a twat!” Then somehow, as I carried on along the road, I looked in the rear view and I couldn’t see Dave (I missed the turning again!) Eventually I arrived at the entrance to the airport carparks but couldn’t see Dave. Presuming Dave had got there 3 hours before me lol, we followed the signs to our carpark and parked up. (Still no sign of Dave and Ju) Angie got out of the car and went to scan the huge carpark for her dad’s car, Eventually spotting them driving towards her. She waved at them and ushered them to where we had parked. Dave and Ju parked alongside us and got out, then told us they had driven into the wrong carpark, which cost them £5 to get back out of it for a grand total of 1 minute!!! So that was our journey to the airport, and just when I thought the stress had ended, I was wrong. It became much worse and funnier. More to follow.

Viva Skeg-Vagas Final Part

So much more happened throughout our short break, it would be difficult to finish writing it. So here are a few more incidents that stick in the memory.

On our day of arrival, we drove into Skegness Town centre and walked towards the beach so Stu could fulfil his yearning to see and hear the sea, which we did. I’m not sure what it is about the sea, but it’s kind of therapeutic, it sooths the soul and gently confirms you’re on holiday. Now, it wasn’t because of looking at all the water, but all of a sudden, 5 of us needed to visit the little boys room! The only thing was, it costs 20p to syphon the python and shake the booty! Mel was as quick as a flash (He probably had a yearning for a ham shank) Jackie and Ang were not far behind him and Stu brought up the rear because if his difficulties with walking. I didn’t need to go so I waited on the sidelines. They all came back refreshed and relieved, apart from Stu, who was still somewhere in the bowels of the 20p money grabber. Eventually, he came into sight, with a strange satisfied smile on his face. Apparently, Stu struggled to get through the turnstile. Someone saw him fighting to get in and let him into the disabled toilets. What made him happy was he saved 20p, and he was proper chuffed.

Another memory was the Orbital Caper. For those who Don’t know, an Orbiter looks like a dodgem, but smaller and round. It’s equipped with two handles, one to move backwards and forwards, the other one makes it spin. When Jackie climbed into her Orbiter, I asked the ride attendant if he had a miniature one she could use because she’s a midget. The ride attendant laughed and Jackie yelled “Twat” in my direction. Angie climbed in and shot off to destroy everything and everyone, it was as if she was driving a Sherman Tank (The attendant was terrified) Mel got in and went in all directions because he had no clue how to drive it and I randomly drove into everyone. Stu couldn’t join us because of his difficulties, but he was stood on the sidelines laughing. When the ride ended, Angie and I climbed out of our seats fairly easily. Jackie and Mel not so easily. Jackie’s little legs couldn’t reach outside of the Orbiter but eventually got out with a little help. Mel struggled a bit and snagged his testicles on one of the control handles (I’m sure an erection started to develop in his jeans!) It was very funny and I’m sure I heard Mel say “It’s lovely “.

The last little memory happened when we were driving home. Our stomachs were making noises. We spotted a burger van in a field so pulled into a lay-by and walked to the van, where we ordered hot sandwiches and drinks. Stu wandered past us and began walking around the field where the burger van was parked. I was watching him in case he needed help. He Dissappear for a minute then reappeared and walked past us again. I thought nothing of it and turned to chat to the lady who was serving us. Then I glanced behind me and Stu was stood between 2 cars leaning slightly forwards, looking down then all around. He was actually taking a piss between 2 cars that were only about 12 feet from the burger van and in plain sight of the passing traffic. Angie looked in the direction I was looking and quietly said “Fuck”. I have to say it’s very unusual for Mussolini to speak quietly!! Anyway, we grabbed our burgers and drinks and walked quickly to the car, leaving the other 3 to wait for theirs. When we got back to the car, Angie’s bladder needed to empty. So, being a very classy woman, she opened both car doors on the passenger side, ordered me to keep watch, squatted and relieved herself. Just after she had created a river, a man in a van parked about 20 feet in front of us got out of his car, walked to the boot and took his trousers off. He then pulled a pair of overalls on and got back in his car. So, Stu, Angie and the stranger all exposed themselves within minutes of each other. I have coined that particular lay-by ‘Exposure Lane’. No wonder my eyes haven’t stopped bleeding!!!

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 5

So, Buddies Bar, created for relaxation during the holidays. Did we relax and enjoy ourselves? Yes we buddy well did. After watching Stu and Mel’s titanic struggle with the child’s hoodie, we arrived outside Buddies and waited for the clubs only lift to arrive and take us up to the main bar. It’s worth noting that we had to manoeuvre around several mobility scooters, (Lovingly coined Spaz Chaz by Stu, who by the way, actually uses one to get around sometimes when he’s back in Chesterfield) all parked at different angles to make it a tight squeeze.

We emerged from the lift and was met with the sight of a packed house (They must have heard we were on our way haha) with only a few empty tables up for grabs. Musslini spotted a table she fancied and marched with scary intent to commandeer it. (Sorry Angie) When we were all sat down with a beer in hand, a singer came on and belted out several well known soul tunes. He was very good. Quite a few people in the crowd got up to dance. One particular lady climbed up onto a table and danced like a woman possessed by the spirit of Linda Blair. Brilliant. She really let her hair down. Now, Mellie ‘It’s Lovely ‘ isn’t attached to anyone and hasn’t been for some time. (Me thinks he’s preoccupied with Ham Shanking) So me and Stuey egged him on to go and try one of his chat-up lines, after all, what did he have to lose, apart from 2 front teeth if she was attached to someone. He wasn’t going for it, despite the fact he had his beady eye on her all evening. During every song, she would go crazy and dance, and every time she did I would gently poke his lump, and tell him to go for it, which made Stu cry with laughter. Mellie laughed with us but couldn’t pluck the courage up to slide over the dance floor to her with his John Travolta moves. We offered advice on what he could start a conversation with, “Do you want to see my 50cc Honda” would be a good start, but he shrugged his lump and refused. Anyway, the singer finished his show and the club/pub cleared quickly, followed by us.

On the other occasion we visited Buddies, we sat inside around a table and ate lunch together. The standout moment was when Stu polished his plate of food off and then picked the plate up to tip it and slurp/drink the gravy. (Classy or what) Afterwards, we went outside on the terrace beer garden and soaked up the sun. When we sat down outside, Stu searched through his pockets and proclaimed he had lost his ecig. He asked Mel to go back inside and look for it. (There’s only Jackie who doesn’t smoke. Stu, me and Angie all use ecigs and Mellie smokes cigarettes) So off Mellie went. Whilst he was inside looking for it, Stu found it in one of his pockets (He genuinely thought he’d left it inside) We had a brilliant light bulb moment not to tell Mellie he’d found it. Mellie came back outside and said “It’s not there, I’ve looked all over for it, you’ve lost it”. Stu feigned panic and desperation and asked Mellie to go over to the outside bar (A serving hatch attached to the pub) and get one of the bar tenders attention to ask them if anyone had handed it in. Mel did as Stu asked and strode over to the hatch. We could hear him calling out for someone inside to answer. He turned to us and said “There’s nobody there”, but Stu insisted he keep trying because he couldn’t survive without his ecig. So Mellie did as Stu asked of him. He turned back to the hatch, leaned in and carried on calling out. At this point Stu, with ecig in hand, sidled over to Mel until he was stood by his side and started blowing vapour in Mel’s direction. Mel turned to Stu as he blew vapour out and said “There’s nobody there “. Mel looked at Stu vaping but it didn’t register. He then turned and called out through the hatch again, turned again to look at Stu vaping and said “Twat”. We all burst into laughter at that point because of mellies reaction. It was hilarious!!

There’s one last part to finish this off this tale, which I’ll write at some point soon.

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 4

We stumbled towards the first port of call (The Oasis Bar) with blood obscuring my vision. Mellie ‘It’s Lovely ‘ walked slightly to the front of us (Trying not to step on Jackie’s low swingers) giving us a perfect view of something poking up towards the sky (Not his tallywackle) it was a small pointy volcano on his shoulder, something he had made us aware of earlier in the day. The story goes like this. He had fallen over a few weeks or months ago (couldn’t remember) and ever since the fall, a ‘Lump’ had appeared on the top of his shoulder. He foolishly allowed me to poke it with my fingers, which is something I continued to do for the rest of the time we were in Skeg-Vagas. To be honest, the mysterious lump felt like bone. I expressed my thoughts to Mellie and asked him if it was painful, to which he moved his shoulder in all directions, swung his arm around like a windmill and told us it didn’t bother him. I suggested he might have dislocated or even broken something and it had reset itself into a tiny volcano. He briefly looked ever so slightly concerned then shrugged it off. With tounge in cheek, I asked him if it interfered with his extra curricular activities during the night. Remarkably, he actually answered, saying “No, not really”!! In all seriousness, we all advised him to go to the doctors with it or to take himself to A and E. He didn’t say yes or no, he just shrugged (Making his little volcano stand up and point) and said he might do. (He hasn’t)

So, we meandered around the market stalls and pubs and became mesmerized with Mel’s pointy thing. One of the incidents that steered our gaze away from Mel and caught our attention happened after Jackie had bought Stu a hoodie. It was breezy on the coast and Stu had made the executive decision not to bring a coat or jumper. So Jackie bought Stu a hoodie from one of the shops without telling him and we walked up to the sea front, sat down and soaked up the sound and sight of the waves crashing in front of us. It was during this relaxing, meditative moment that Jackie revealed her hoddie present to Stu. We realised it was to small when he struggled to squeeze his head through the opening. Nevertheless, he persevered and eventually slipped it over his ears. Then, unbelievably, he carried on with the battle to get his arms in and pull it down to just above his navel. The struggle tired him a little so he sat down, the wetsuit tightness of the hoddle making it impossible for him to sit comfortably and relax. Then Stu proclaimed “It’s to small, mellie, help me get it off”. Without any hesitation, Mel took hold of the bottom of the hoodie and pulled and pulled and pulled (Something he’s used to) partially lifting Stu of the bench with every tug, which was accompanied with a “Uggghhh” from Stu every time he levitated off the seat. By this time, we were all laughing and Mel was crying with laughter, occasionally pausing with the pull to hold his sides and say “Oooo my sides”, which made us laugh more, even Stu laughed between “Uggghhhs” , who was firmly trapped in the hoodie straight jacket!! Eventually, Mellie freed Stu, who emerged red faced but triumphant.

After we had settled down from all the laughter, we walked down to a Bar called Buddies, which is very popular for 2 reasons. 1, the beer is very good and quite cheap and 2, they have live acts to give it a seaside party atmosphere. It was there that the funny incidents really took off, but I’ll leave that for another time.

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 3

So, where was I, ahhh yes, bleeding eyes!!! I can’t remember the last time my eyes bled, maybe it was the last time Musslini blacked them with a frying pan for not following orders, but I can’t remember. (Only a joke Angie!) I’ve blocked most of that particular traumatic event from my mind. Before I go on, I want to say that I am not recounting this ‘Event’ because I want to embarrass or ‘Shock’ anybody. That is NOT my intention, it’s just that I’ve heard talking through disturbing events helps the mind and the eyes heal. It’s also because it’s just to funny to leave out. It will also come as a surprise, so again, no offence intended. I also want to share my pain!!

So, Stuey and I were deep in conversation about something meaningful (Haven’t got a clue what, so it was probably not meaningful) Angie was somewhere in the caravan doing what she does best (Goose stepping) Mellie was outside smoking a cigarette and probably looking for somewhere secluded to indulge in a quick ham shank. Jackie came wandering (Innocently) into the living area where me and Stuey were talking. I looked casually to the side ever so briefly, nodding my head in agreement with something Stuey said, and was smacked in the eyes with the sight of Jackie pulling a jumper/cardigan up or down (I’m not sure which) over her head. I was met with the sight of one of her boobs hanging freely (And I mean HANGING) her nipple saying hello to the waist of her trousers!! (I didn’t know that was possible) I suppose it’s a bit like an older man’s ball sack touching his socks, (I’ll ask It’s Lovely)

I looked on, briefly stunned, and tried to carry on the conversation with Stuey, but I was struck dumb. I think I blinked a couple of times at Stuey, and I think he asked me if I was alright. (I couldn’t answer, I just stared, blankly) Angie appeared and came to sit next to me. I looked at her and asked her “Are my eyes bleeding “? She actually answered me and said “No, why”? I couldn’t answer, I simply repeated the question, which prompted Stuey to ask me if I was ok. I shook my head, rubbed my eyes and thought of beautiful things, like daffodils and buttercups and rainbows and even Mellie having a ham shank, but it didn’t work, my melted brain continued to force invisible blood to run from my eyes!! After a few minutes, we left the caravan and made our way towards the markets and pubs. I didn’t say anything to anybody about the assault on my eyeballs, I didn’t know how to say anything, until now!! Looking back, I probably should have said something then and there, because we would have laughed, but as I said, I was dumbstruck. Anyway, I haven’t written this to embarrass anybody but it was a typical ‘It’s A Carry On’ moment that I couldn’t let go without a mention. I repeat, I haven’t mentioned this to embarrass Jackie or Stuey, they know we love them (But NOT in a nipple sharing way) Anyway, this is just a short post, dedicated to the memory of firmer, upstanding tits and balls. I’ll write the 4th and last part when my eyes have stopped bleeding!!!

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 2

Before I carry on this account of our trip to Skeg-Vagas, I have been ‘Told off’ by the wife ‘Musslini ‘ (Angie) Not only am I referring to her by the wrong nickname, (Apparently, I called her Mother Hen in previous posts) also, she doesn’t like being compared to the infamous dictator! So, it is with heavy heart (And a grin on my face) that I must STOP (She’s dictating) calling her Musslini. So, Musslini it is then (Because I refuse to be dictated to. Bloody dictators, they’re all the same)

Ohhhhhh what a ball ache!!! Gaining entry into the caravan was a struggle. (Note to self: Do not attempt to become a safe crackers’ apprentice) To gain entry, Angie ‘Musslini ‘ was asked to download an app that opened a keysafe through the Bluetooth on her mobile. The problem was, it didn’t work, which made Musslini very ‘Goose steppingly’ angry!! She glared at me and turned me to stone, in fact we all stood like statues for about 10 minutes, only our eyes daring to move around like Thunderbird puppets, when a neighbour came to try and (Rescue) help us. He knew the owner and rang him to let him know Musslini was very angry. (Only joking Angie, please don’t hurt me!!) Luckily, through that phone call, we managed to get in. We had a rest for a little while and then walked the short distance to a pub! All went well, we all got nicely drunk and wandered back to the caravan, where Musslini made us all eat Ham and Cheese sandwiches because THEY ARE GOOD FOR YOU!!! (She’s going to kill me)

We took to our ‘Beds’ and almost everyone slept well. I say almost because I mean one person slept well. ‘It’s Lovely’ slept well between Ham Shanks, which helped to keep us awake and vomiting!! (Only joking Mel) Jackie Gravedigger and Stuey Shuffle slept on 2 narrow singles, It’s Lovely slept in the living space on the sofa because he couldn’t be arsed to pull out the bed and me and Angie Musslini had the double bedroom. However, in the morning, when Stuey finally came out of the bedroom to join the rest of us, they ‘Stu and Jackie’ informed us he hadn’t been able to sleep much because he had been effectively stuck in one position throughout the night. Actually, the sound of Jackie’s elbow smashing repeatedly against the paper thin wall may have been the reason he hadn’t slept well, because it was definitely the reason we didn’t sleep well!!! Meanwhile, It’s Lovely was unsurprisingly devoid of life, looking exhausted but with a satisfied grin on his face!!! We all agreed, before walking to a restaurant for a full English, that a swapping of sleeping arrangements was needed. (NOT that type of swapping!!) Or more precisely, It’s Lovely would stay in the living room, beating the night away whilst me and Angie would swap bedrooms with Stu and Jackie. It was during those early moments of conversation, just after the bedroom arrangements had been finalised, that my eyes began to bleed!! (More about that later)