A New Adventure

So, my daughter gets married next Saturday morning at 11am. 27th August 2022.

I’m not sure how I feel. I’m proud, sad, excited, anxious, happy, restless, tearful, nostalgic and I have an overwhelming sense of love and melancholy. It’s strange but comforting, if you know what I mean!!

The moment my daughter Becky was born, I felt protective and vulnerable because I had never experienced a love that was all consuming. Like a bolt of lightning, I loved in a way that I have never understood.

3 minutes after beck was born, I held her, lifted her up to my face and kissed her. I breathed her in, brushed my lips and nose over her delicate little face and cried. She responded by latching onto my nose with her mouth and suckled for all she was worth. I would have died for her at that moment. I would die for her now.

She’ll always be my little girl. I’m so happy for her 💓 💗

Rhodes Trip Part 2: A Nightmare unfolds.

Before I get into the nightmare scenario at the airport, I going to reel off the nicknames we all earnt and damn well deserved during the holiday. My name became ‘Satnav Not’, Angie became ‘Sandra the divorcee ‘, Stu became the ‘Wandering Cowboy’, Dave became the ‘Historical Jukebox ‘, Julie became the ‘Laughing Seal and Jackie became ‘Flirty Girty ‘. The reasons behind every nickname will make sense over the course of all 97 episodes.  (Only joking!) It will only be 95……

We unloaded Dave’s car and walked with our baggage to a bus stop to wait for the bus to take us to the airport entrance.  The bus was choka block with passengers so we had to stand in the Isles, which wasn’t great for Stu because of his walking difficulties. (I’m pretty sure Jackie farted because she miraculously created a little bit more room for herself: only joking Jackie!!) We arrived at the entrance and dragged our luggage after us. Before we went into the airport, cigarettes and ecigs were sucked on with great big salivating deep intakes of breath before we entered the lions den. The queue was big but unavoidable.  Luckily, a person who worked at the airport noticed Stu was struggling, so he was led to a seat, where he stayed until we had reached the check-in desk. Angie took charge and ‘Ordered’ everyone to have passports and Covid papers at the ready. I stood and gazed at her and imagined the words that were buzzing around in her Musslini like mind “Zer must be no delays”. (Just joking Angie!!) Anyway, we reached the check-in desk and went through the usual rigmarole, then it was time to weigh the luggage. “You’re overweight ” said the lady in charge. (I thought rude, but fair enough lol) Seriously, all the luggage was over the limit, but Angie disagreed, and produced the paperwork that indicated our luggage allowance.  The woman looked at it very briefly and stuck to her decision, we were overweight. I’m not sure what was going through the minds of the other 5, but I looked at the growing queue behind us and thought ‘Fuuuccckkk’! So, we were advised to stand to the side and take items from our cases and transfer them into our hand luggage. (Didn’t make any kind of sense to me because no matter what Bag our possessions were in, we would still be boarding the plane with the same weight) Anyway, we stood to the side and watched other people go through the check-in without a hitch. Luggage was opened, underwear and other items of clothes were swapped from one to the other. (Not sure what Jackie was carrying in her suitcase, but it was long and sausage shaped, hiding in a black carrier bag) Just joking Jackie!! Stu had been brought across to us and stood watching the Great clothing swap because he couldn’t bend down. Eventually, we finished and waited for the chance to jump in and get our cases re-weighed. We were still over the limit (I really wish I had been over the limit at that precise moment) but it cost us £60 rather than the extortionate amount the first person had quoted us. We paid and moved towards security/customs and then we walked through the duty free shops, looking longingly at the tempting bottles of alcohol.  It didn’t take us long to find a bar and sit down with a cold one, apart from Stu, who strangely, opted for water!! We found the smoking section and looked out onto the runway whilst we puffed away, relaxation overriding our stress levels.  Back at the table in the bar, we finished our first pint, then all meandered towards our boarding gate to sit, chatter like excited kids and wait. About 20 minutes before we were due to board, airport security came into view and ordered everyone to move in the direction she was pointing.  People moved blindly, most of whom, didn’t bother to ask why. Not Angie. Her breasts became bigger and angry, inflated with frustration, and she surprisingly asked in a very calm tone why we were being asked to move, adding our friend Stu was tired and couldn’t walk much further. The security lady said, “A suspicious package has been found, we’re evacuating everyone “. (Hello stress levels, welcomeback!!) We followed the herd of sheep, stopping briefly so Stu could rest. (Angie actually took charge of Stu’s health and went to commandeer a wheelchair. Not sure where she found the wheelchair but we passed a legless old lady trembling on the floor, blood poring from her nose) Joking Angie!! Eventually, we came to a halt because we couldn’t go any further and came to a large room packed to the rafters with a few hundred fellow suffering travellers. We found chairs to sit on and waited and waited and waited and…… A policeman came and stood by the entrance and he was instantly surrounded by inquisitive people, all asking the same bloody question.  After about 3 hours of sitting in what effectively became a sweatbox, the all clear was given and different departure gates began to blink on the screens overhead.

We sat down at the gates and waited again, eventually walking down onto the tarmac towards the big bird waiting to fly us to a little piece of paradise.

I’ve Got An Electric Toothbrush, Where Shall I Stick It? Rhodes Trip.

The sun, the sand and the beautiful historical island of Rhodes beckoned us, and we damn well followed the call like arsonists to a dry forest. The difference with this 2 week (3 years delayed holiday) was the usual 4 (Me, Angie, Stuey and Jackie) were joined by Dave and Julie (Angie’s Dad and mum) The island was not ready for us, this virgin Island was about to be butt fucked by 6 aging sex fiends (We wish!!) Actually, we are more like 5 retired vibrators with the batteries removed.

I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, the holiday vibe begins when the eyes open on the morning of the day of departure. The batteries are temporarily in the vibrator and you’re buzzing with excitement. That’s how it felt when I bounced out of bed. Bags had been packed the night before and taken downstairs. all that was needed was a coffee at the crack of dawn and then wait for Dave and Jue to arrive at our house. (Stu and Jackie were picked up by me an hour earlier and brought down to the house) Excited chitter chatter filled the air as we waited for Dave and Jue. A military precision plan had been formulated by Ang to put all 6 suitcases and 5 hand luggage into Dave’s car and for Stu and Jackie to travel to the airport with me and Angie. We paced the living room like rabid tigers waiting for Dave and Ju to arrive (Stu sat in the garden making clouds with his ecig, chilled to the max) They arrived and Ju came breezing in full of holiday beans. Dave remained outside smoking a cigarette. The first thing that Ju said to us was “I’ve got an electric toothbrush, where shall I stick it”!? A ripple of laughter escaped and she looked at me and said “Oh God, what have I just said”! Of course I remembered that unforgettable phrase, hence the title of this first installment.

So the scene was set, the bags were put into Dave’s car and for some inexplicable reason, I was given the role of leading our little convoy to the airport (Big, big, bigggggg mistake, because my inner satnav is, has been and always will be scrambled and nonsensical) Actually, we only live a 30 minute drive to the airport and I’ve driven there several times over the years, so I foolishly believed in myself. I did ask Angie to check what exit we needed on the M1, and then we set off. Now, Angie will not admit this, but she gave me the WRONG instruction because we flew by the junction we needed (I knew in my head we had driven past it but I simply followed Angie’s instruction) We found out that Dave and Julie also recognised I had driven past it but followed anyway, probably thinking I knew a quicker route. The second I drove past it, Angie informed me I had missed the slip road. My reply was to inform her that she had instructed me to get off at the next exit!! She denied it but I stuck to my guns. Anyway, we got off at the next exit with Dave behind us, probably thinking to himself, “What a twat!” Then somehow, as I carried on along the road, I looked in the rear view and I couldn’t see Dave (I missed the turning again!) Eventually I arrived at the entrance to the airport carparks but couldn’t see Dave. Presuming Dave had got there 3 hours before me lol, we followed the signs to our carpark and parked up. (Still no sign of Dave and Ju) Angie got out of the car and went to scan the huge carpark for her dad’s car, Eventually spotting them driving towards her. She waved at them and ushered them to where we had parked. Dave and Ju parked alongside us and got out, then told us they had driven into the wrong carpark, which cost them £5 to get back out of it for a grand total of 1 minute!!! So that was our journey to the airport, and just when I thought the stress had ended, I was wrong. It became much worse and funnier. More to follow.

Viva Skeg-Vagas Final Part

So much more happened throughout our short break, it would be difficult to finish writing it. So here are a few more incidents that stick in the memory.

On our day of arrival, we drove into Skegness Town centre and walked towards the beach so Stu could fulfil his yearning to see and hear the sea, which we did. I’m not sure what it is about the sea, but it’s kind of therapeutic, it sooths the soul and gently confirms you’re on holiday. Now, it wasn’t because of looking at all the water, but all of a sudden, 5 of us needed to visit the little boys room! The only thing was, it costs 20p to syphon the python and shake the booty! Mel was as quick as a flash (He probably had a yearning for a ham shank) Jackie and Ang were not far behind him and Stu brought up the rear because if his difficulties with walking. I didn’t need to go so I waited on the sidelines. They all came back refreshed and relieved, apart from Stu, who was still somewhere in the bowels of the 20p money grabber. Eventually, he came into sight, with a strange satisfied smile on his face. Apparently, Stu struggled to get through the turnstile. Someone saw him fighting to get in and let him into the disabled toilets. What made him happy was he saved 20p, and he was proper chuffed.

Another memory was the Orbital Caper. For those who Don’t know, an Orbiter looks like a dodgem, but smaller and round. It’s equipped with two handles, one to move backwards and forwards, the other one makes it spin. When Jackie climbed into her Orbiter, I asked the ride attendant if he had a miniature one she could use because she’s a midget. The ride attendant laughed and Jackie yelled “Twat” in my direction. Angie climbed in and shot off to destroy everything and everyone, it was as if she was driving a Sherman Tank (The attendant was terrified) Mel got in and went in all directions because he had no clue how to drive it and I randomly drove into everyone. Stu couldn’t join us because of his difficulties, but he was stood on the sidelines laughing. When the ride ended, Angie and I climbed out of our seats fairly easily. Jackie and Mel not so easily. Jackie’s little legs couldn’t reach outside of the Orbiter but eventually got out with a little help. Mel struggled a bit and snagged his testicles on one of the control handles (I’m sure an erection started to develop in his jeans!) It was very funny and I’m sure I heard Mel say “It’s lovely “.

The last little memory happened when we were driving home. Our stomachs were making noises. We spotted a burger van in a field so pulled into a lay-by and walked to the van, where we ordered hot sandwiches and drinks. Stu wandered past us and began walking around the field where the burger van was parked. I was watching him in case he needed help. He Dissappear for a minute then reappeared and walked past us again. I thought nothing of it and turned to chat to the lady who was serving us. Then I glanced behind me and Stu was stood between 2 cars leaning slightly forwards, looking down then all around. He was actually taking a piss between 2 cars that were only about 12 feet from the burger van and in plain sight of the passing traffic. Angie looked in the direction I was looking and quietly said “Fuck”. I have to say it’s very unusual for Mussolini to speak quietly!! Anyway, we grabbed our burgers and drinks and walked quickly to the car, leaving the other 3 to wait for theirs. When we got back to the car, Angie’s bladder needed to empty. So, being a very classy woman, she opened both car doors on the passenger side, ordered me to keep watch, squatted and relieved herself. Just after she had created a river, a man in a van parked about 20 feet in front of us got out of his car, walked to the boot and took his trousers off. He then pulled a pair of overalls on and got back in his car. So, Stu, Angie and the stranger all exposed themselves within minutes of each other. I have coined that particular lay-by ‘Exposure Lane’. No wonder my eyes haven’t stopped bleeding!!!