George Receives The Full Steve Monty

So every 30 minutes or so I would pop around to ‘Check’ that Steve was doing his fair share of the work, knowing full well that George would be doing the lions share!

A very funny episode unravelled on one occasion. I opened the patio door, and the aroma of faeces hit me full-on in the nose. Poor old George was at last taking a breather from playing Cinderella, with a steaming hot cup of tea teetering on his bottom lip with Steve sat in exactly the same position as he had been previously. I entered the living room and said “Phewwwww, something smells very funky in here”, which immediately alerted George, who stood up quickly, spilling tea on the floor. Steve remained motionless, looked at me and said “What smell”?

Then George confirmed what I could smell, so I moved stealthily around the residents until I pinpointed the culprit! Steve watched me intently (Clint Eastwood style) as I helped the culprit to his feet, at which point George took over, leading pepe le pew upstairs to the bathroom. I offered to help George, at which point Steve announced he would help, ordering me to go away in a high pitched shrill!

I could tell Steve was reluctant to take part on the cleaning process, so I told Steve that i didn’t mind helping out. At which point George insisted he didn’t need help. So i turned to Steve and told him (whilst trying to be serious) that I was bitterly disappointed in his work ethic, which drove him to take drastic action and chase me out through the patio doors.

At that point I returned to my work and left them alone for a while (But not to long) in fact George came around to talk to me a little later with a look of confusion painted across his face. I asked him if everything was ok and he replied by saying “You told me I was in good hands with Steve! I’m not being horrible but he’s f#$%g useless” I laughed whilst insisting that Steve was THE man to learn from.

He walked away from me promising he would “Get me back” which very nearly made me collapse on the kitchen floor with laughter!

I hope I’m not painting a bad picture of Steve because he is very good at his job, very reliable and able to handle any situation that crops up. However, I also knew through experience that he preferred to ease the newer members of staff in by throwing them in at the deep end so they understood from day one what they were in for!!!

The good thing for George was that Steve told him to go home at 8pm, after administering medication because Steve knew George had a 2 and a half hour drive home. George was reluctant to leave 2 hours early but Steve insisted.

I couldn’t help but have one last leg-pull as George popped his head in to say goodnight and promise to bring down vengeance upon me! I said “Goodnight, nice to meet you”. But as I unlocked the garden gate I said, with a very straight face ” I can’t believe you’re leaving Steve to work on his own, 2 hours early! Shame on you” George didn’t think I was joking and stated that he wouldn’t leave, that I was right, until I admitted I was only joking, at which point he growled with pretend anger and asked me if I really thought it was acceptable that he was leaving Steve to work alone, to which I jokingly replied “Well, to be honest, you haven’t really done anything anyway”. He looked at me seriously then laughed whilst calling me an “Infuriating twat”.

I actually waved him off whilst shaking my head to indicate disappointment whilst Steve stood by my side, slapped me on my back and said “He’ll never return “.

But return he has, several times in fact, armed with the knowledge not to work with me or Steve ever again!

The Bright Side Of George

A few days after George had bid us a swift but temporary farewell, his car pulled up outside the residence where I work at 2pm and he came bounding through the garden gate like Lassie with a pack of dogs in hot, horny pursuit.

I watched him pull up in his car and I went to open the the padlock on the gate to let him in and for me to stand outside the grounds and take in some of my ecig (I’m doing my best to stop smoking!) I greeted his gazelle bounce with “I’m just having som…..” and he stopped me mid sentence by saying “It’s ok John, I understand how things work, so do exactly as you always do, I’m not that kind of manager, I’m one of the lads”. So I closed and locked the gate behind him and made a smoke signal to indicate big chief sitting bull had declared peace and tranquillity.

I immediately recognized an opportunity for a gentle wind-up when one of my colleagues walked out through the patio doors of the house next door and onto the back garden to greet his ill prepared workmate! Steve (I’ve spoken about him before in a previous post, the man with the vocal ability to render dogs stone deaf) stood there smiling his Sunday best. Steve is a devout Christian (I have no problem with that) so as Steven’s eyes locked with George, I shouted over an introduction, saying “Steve, this is George, he worships the Devil.”

Steve’s expression changed instantly and he turned around, walked into the house and slammed the patio doors shut. George glanced at me as he hurried towards the patio doors and utter the word ‘Twat’ in my direction.

I disappeared into the house I was working in chuckling to myself.

Not 10 minutes later George came around to my house and asked if Steve was for real, referring to his voice. George genuinely thought Steve was pretending to speak in a way that was difficult and painful to understand!!

When I explained that Steve genuinely spoke in that way, George said “You’ve really stitched me up haven’t ya, I canny understand a word”. Whilst laughing I explained that Steve was a lovely man who knew the job better than anyone, to which George replied whilst grinning “Bastard “, which made me laugh even more.

Throughout the first few hours of the shift, I popped around to ‘Check’ on their working relationship! Every time I saw them, Steve would be sat in the living room, interacting with the residents whilst watching television with them and George either mopping, sweeping or on his hands and knees, disinfecting the skirting boards, drips of sweat falling onto the laminated flooring. Of course I seized on the opportunity to ask Steve if he was busy, which caused George to look over in my direction and shake his head. George’s reaction didn’t go unnoticed by Steve, who ordered me to “Go away” and “Stop causing trouble “.

Between fits of laughter I informed George that a nice cold drink awaited him at the house i was working in if he was feeling dehydrated.

Strangely, as George mouthed “Piss off” in my direction, Steve shouted in tandem with George, an ear splitting “Gooooo” in my direction!! 🤣

In the next installment, I’ll carry on with the antics of George’s first shift with us.

Fun Times On The Bright Side

So, during lockdown I’ve been working as normal, albeit with a watered down staffing issue. Everybody has been covering the hours left vacant by 4 members of staff who have been personally effected by the virus.

For a few weeks we were literally down to the bare bones, spending the majority of time at work, leaving home life behind.

That was until the arrival of George. He arrived one morning unexpected by myself and my colleagues, but as it turned out, expected by our manager, who had decided to make a rare but welcome appearance. The doorbell rang, the door was opened and there stood George, asking to see the manager whilst brandishing his identity card. I ushered him in whilst attempting to prevent one of the residents from. A- Escaping and B- from jumping on our visitor (As he’s prone to doing)

George rushed past me and ran straight upstairs to the open door of the office, where our manager was waiting to greet him with a smile, immediately followed by “John, this is George, George, this is John, he’s going to help out whilst we’re in a pickle”.

I could tell by his accent he wasn’t local, he sounded like Paul Gascoigne. For those who aren’t familiar with that name, he was/is an imfamous but mercurial ex-professional footballer.

We didn’t see him until just before he left the property, popping his head in to say “Sees ya next week”.

Our manager informed us a few minutes after his departure that he was one of the upper tier managers of the whole company but didn’t act like one! He was a down to earth, no bullshit, get your hands dirty type of chap and that he wanted to help our team out during the pandemonium. We chatted about the shifts he was willing to cover and he had offered to pick up most of the afternoon shifts that we were struggling to cover. I asked if he lived locally, and our manager said he didn’t and that he lived in County Durham, 135 miles from where we work. I said “Bloody hell, surely he’s not travelling to work for an 8 hour shift then driving back after”? She said he was with an exaggerated nod of her head, to which I replied with “Is he a full shilling or hasn’t he got a life”? She laughed and warned me to behave.

In reality, nobody at work actually expected him to come to work, and we wouldn’t have blamed him! I ask you, a 270 mile round trip, 3 days a week to be attacked by flying faeces (An aspect of the job he didn’t know about) is not exactly an attractive proposition.

Miraculously, he came to work to following Monday, which is a whole blog that I’ll talk about in the next post.

Unfortunately, I have chores to do for most of the afternoon but, as my mate Arnie once said “I’ll be back”.

Looking On The Bright Side

It’s been a while! Bogged down with work, bus rides, helping friends, family and lots of socially isolated, vulnerable people. (Immediate family 🤣)

I’d be lying to myself if I said it’s not be tough, because it has (Still is) but I’ve been lucky-ish because at least I’ve been able to carry on working (Mostly) apart from the 7 day self isolation, so my mental health is mostly healthy, with sporadic episodes of “What the f#$#$ckkkkk”!

Anyway, I’ve been working almost constantly along with those members of the team who have not been isolated or afflicted by personal loss.

There’s a faint light at the end of the viral tunnel (We hope) and because of the forced decimation of our team, I’ve been fortunate to meet a member of the management team (Very high up) who appears to share my sense of demented humour!!!

We’ve had fun and laughs, but if it’s ok with you, I’ll write about it when I get a little more time because I have to go to work in 15.

It’s sort of comforting and familiar to be back.

Inconvenient Break !!!

I’ve been pretty busy working since the covid virus came to town. We have 2 members of staff at home in isolation and 2 members of staff who have been sent out to work at other care/support services because they’re down to the bare bones!! So I’ve been working all hours, all shift patterns, working from 3 in the afternoon until 7am the following morning. So it’s been hectic.

I apologise for not keeping up with all the amazing blogs I follow but I will get around to it, promise. In fact, as of today, I’ve been told to self isolate for the next 7 days because I have developed symptoms. So I have a forced break from work, one that I didn’t want but one that, if I’m honest with myself, I probably need right now because I’m pretty drained!

So over the next few days I’ll try to catch up with everyone and your blogs.

I’m now worrying how work will cope because my absence puts more pressure on my friends at work.

Anyway, I’ll catch up soon and hope everyone on WP is healthy and we.

Bloody coronavirus!!!!

The Living Dead-ish

This is very brief.

The world has changed so much over the last few weeks, society, or lack of, has virtually ground to a big fat halt. At the moment, and for the last couple of weeks and probably for the next 5 or 6 weeks, I’m working silly hours because the virus has and is affecting some of my colleagues. Luckily, their combined absence is precautionary at the moment and fingers crossed, they’ll all come back to work safe and healthy.

So, it’s down to the rest of us to work extra hours, which is why I’ve been largely absent on WP. Today was my second day working in a sequence of 8 straight shifts. 15 hour days and night shifts thrown into the mix.

Right now, all I crave is a cold pint of beer, sat in a beer garden in the sun.

But, I would gladly give that little luxury dream of mine up for this virus to just stop and leave us alone.

Anyway, I may be absent for a while, but as Arnie said “I’ll be back”!

Please, everyone stay safe and healthy and love the life you have, it’s the most precious thing we have.

A Little Bit Of Peace

I have enjoyed a couple of days off work (today is my second day) and walked to town to buy some much needed food and supplies. After shopping and wandering around this ghost town, I sat by the church for about 20 minutes because the bus services have become limited. The pigeons came looking for food so I decided to capture them on video. I actually recorded a voice-over in the David Attenborough mode but for some reason it didn’t work. Anyway, this is the very short video of my new friends.

An Opportunity To Start Again

Probably the most important thing that I’ve personally come to realise after the outbreak of the virus is that we all have the unique opportunity to start over, and make life better. This bloody coronavirus has of course, already taken to many lifes, and it hasn’t finished yet!However, the irony is this. As a direct result of this plague, many parts of this beautiful planet that we live on is enjoying a much needed rest from humanity. Aeroplanes are grounded, people are staying indoors (Reluctantly) factories have closed and the natural world breathes again. It appears that (According to NASA) air pollution over areas of China and Europe have improved over a few short weeks. A reduction in nitrogen dioxide, most probably because of a reduction in the use of cars, power plants and other industrial facilities, has had a positive effect on the world environment. Wouldn’t it be great if, after the world eventually beats this virus, that every year, every country shuts down all factories, power plants and other materialistic facilities for a month, to give the world a rest, as well as the population a rest.The world and the people who live on it need regular periods of rest.We could just forget materialistic gain and the economic persuit of ‘Happiness’ and just enjoy being alive with the ones we love.Like the title I chose for this short post.We have the opportunity to start again, let’s hope the governments of the world wake up and see the opportunity they have to make the world a better place.

When I Was Johnny English: 3rd part. Lisa and Sam (John)

So the phone went clickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I didn’t go back into the chatroom, I thought it best not to antagonise the situation. Then remarkably, my phone rang a few days later with an American number flashing across the screen, I answered and it was Lisa. She simply started the conversation with “You’re an asshole”!

Again I couldn’t agree more, but she laughed and said she was “Hooked” on me as a person, not the woman I had pretended to be!! Fuck!!!

It was an unforeseen, highly irregular predicament. There I was, an English man with a warped sense of humour, who had pretended to be an English bisexual woman called Sam, and an American bisexual woman had “Fallen” for me!!!

So, what do I do? I became friendly with her as the real me. (Whoever that was) However, it became slightly unnerving when a knock came on the door. I answered it and a postman stood there with a package addressed to me!!! A big package!

I took it off him, closed the door and looked at the postmark. Virginia, USA. Shit. (Not the country you until, I mean the package)

I opened it up and a big, cuddly teddy bear burst out from its constraints, with a very strong aroma wafting from its fur. (It turned out, it was her favourite perfume) It had a dog tag around its furry neck with the word ‘John’ printed on it. In addition to the teddy, there was an envelope. Inside it was a photograph (At long distance, taken from a birds eye angle) of me standing in my back garden, which was unusual because I’ve never been an enthusiastic gardener.

Later that same day, she rang me to ask if I’d received the package? Of course I said yes, politely thanked her for the gift and asked her how on earth she had photographed me? All she would say was the company she worked for had been given something to test and she was testing it.

Of course, in hindsight, it was Google Earth, but I had never heard of it and it was very disconcerting. I remember walking to work at 5.45 in the mornings, looking up to the skies and half expecting a giant flash of a camera or a UFO to swoop down and pick me up!!!

From that day, I was forever looking over my shoulder. I recieved three more small packages. One contained a gold leafed bookmark, number 2 contained a pair of frilly, very small purple pants that had exactly the same aroma as the teddy bear!! (I might add, they were clean) The 3rd package was astonishing. It was a return flight to Virginia!

Of course, I sent the ticket back to the place she had given me as her home address.

I started to ignore her calls and eventually she stopped trying, probably after she had received her ticket back. I can’t explain it but I felt guilty for not answering the phone, but I couldn’t see any other way of dealing with it.

I was definitely an asshole, and on that occasion, my ‘Innocent joke’ definitely backfired!!!

Let this be a warning to the jokers amongst you, unless of course, you want to receive a pair of purple pants through the post!