Viva Skeg-Vagas Final Part

So much more happened throughout our short break, it would be difficult to finish writing it. So here are a few more incidents that stick in the memory.

On our day of arrival, we drove into Skegness Town centre and walked towards the beach so Stu could fulfil his yearning to see and hear the sea, which we did. I’m not sure what it is about the sea, but it’s kind of therapeutic, it sooths the soul and gently confirms you’re on holiday. Now, it wasn’t because of looking at all the water, but all of a sudden, 5 of us needed to visit the little boys room! The only thing was, it costs 20p to syphon the python and shake the booty! Mel was as quick as a flash (He probably had a yearning for a ham shank) Jackie and Ang were not far behind him and Stu brought up the rear because if his difficulties with walking. I didn’t need to go so I waited on the sidelines. They all came back refreshed and relieved, apart from Stu, who was still somewhere in the bowels of the 20p money grabber. Eventually, he came into sight, with a strange satisfied smile on his face. Apparently, Stu struggled to get through the turnstile. Someone saw him fighting to get in and let him into the disabled toilets. What made him happy was he saved 20p, and he was proper chuffed.

Another memory was the Orbital Caper. For those who Don’t know, an Orbiter looks like a dodgem, but smaller and round. It’s equipped with two handles, one to move backwards and forwards, the other one makes it spin. When Jackie climbed into her Orbiter, I asked the ride attendant if he had a miniature one she could use because she’s a midget. The ride attendant laughed and Jackie yelled “Twat” in my direction. Angie climbed in and shot off to destroy everything and everyone, it was as if she was driving a Sherman Tank (The attendant was terrified) Mel got in and went in all directions because he had no clue how to drive it and I randomly drove into everyone. Stu couldn’t join us because of his difficulties, but he was stood on the sidelines laughing. When the ride ended, Angie and I climbed out of our seats fairly easily. Jackie and Mel not so easily. Jackie’s little legs couldn’t reach outside of the Orbiter but eventually got out with a little help. Mel struggled a bit and snagged his testicles on one of the control handles (I’m sure an erection started to develop in his jeans!) It was very funny and I’m sure I heard Mel say “It’s lovely “.

The last little memory happened when we were driving home. Our stomachs were making noises. We spotted a burger van in a field so pulled into a lay-by and walked to the van, where we ordered hot sandwiches and drinks. Stu wandered past us and began walking around the field where the burger van was parked. I was watching him in case he needed help. He Dissappear for a minute then reappeared and walked past us again. I thought nothing of it and turned to chat to the lady who was serving us. Then I glanced behind me and Stu was stood between 2 cars leaning slightly forwards, looking down then all around. He was actually taking a piss between 2 cars that were only about 12 feet from the burger van and in plain sight of the passing traffic. Angie looked in the direction I was looking and quietly said “Fuck”. I have to say it’s very unusual for Mussolini to speak quietly!! Anyway, we grabbed our burgers and drinks and walked quickly to the car, leaving the other 3 to wait for theirs. When we got back to the car, Angie’s bladder needed to empty. So, being a very classy woman, she opened both car doors on the passenger side, ordered me to keep watch, squatted and relieved herself. Just after she had created a river, a man in a van parked about 20 feet in front of us got out of his car, walked to the boot and took his trousers off. He then pulled a pair of overalls on and got back in his car. So, Stu, Angie and the stranger all exposed themselves within minutes of each other. I have coined that particular lay-by ‘Exposure Lane’. No wonder my eyes haven’t stopped bleeding!!!

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 5

So, Buddies Bar, created for relaxation during the holidays. Did we relax and enjoy ourselves? Yes we buddy well did. After watching Stu and Mel’s titanic struggle with the child’s hoodie, we arrived outside Buddies and waited for the clubs only lift to arrive and take us up to the main bar. It’s worth noting that we had to manoeuvre around several mobility scooters, (Lovingly coined Spaz Chaz by Stu, who by the way, actually uses one to get around sometimes when he’s back in Chesterfield) all parked at different angles to make it a tight squeeze.

We emerged from the lift and was met with the sight of a packed house (They must have heard we were on our way haha) with only a few empty tables up for grabs. Musslini spotted a table she fancied and marched with scary intent to commandeer it. (Sorry Angie) When we were all sat down with a beer in hand, a singer came on and belted out several well known soul tunes. He was very good. Quite a few people in the crowd got up to dance. One particular lady climbed up onto a table and danced like a woman possessed by the spirit of Linda Blair. Brilliant. She really let her hair down. Now, Mellie ‘It’s Lovely ‘ isn’t attached to anyone and hasn’t been for some time. (Me thinks he’s preoccupied with Ham Shanking) So me and Stuey egged him on to go and try one of his chat-up lines, after all, what did he have to lose, apart from 2 front teeth if she was attached to someone. He wasn’t going for it, despite the fact he had his beady eye on her all evening. During every song, she would go crazy and dance, and every time she did I would gently poke his lump, and tell him to go for it, which made Stu cry with laughter. Mellie laughed with us but couldn’t pluck the courage up to slide over the dance floor to her with his John Travolta moves. We offered advice on what he could start a conversation with, “Do you want to see my 50cc Honda” would be a good start, but he shrugged his lump and refused. Anyway, the singer finished his show and the club/pub cleared quickly, followed by us.

On the other occasion we visited Buddies, we sat inside around a table and ate lunch together. The standout moment was when Stu polished his plate of food off and then picked the plate up to tip it and slurp/drink the gravy. (Classy or what) Afterwards, we went outside on the terrace beer garden and soaked up the sun. When we sat down outside, Stu searched through his pockets and proclaimed he had lost his ecig. He asked Mel to go back inside and look for it. (There’s only Jackie who doesn’t smoke. Stu, me and Angie all use ecigs and Mellie smokes cigarettes) So off Mellie went. Whilst he was inside looking for it, Stu found it in one of his pockets (He genuinely thought he’d left it inside) We had a brilliant light bulb moment not to tell Mellie he’d found it. Mellie came back outside and said “It’s not there, I’ve looked all over for it, you’ve lost it”. Stu feigned panic and desperation and asked Mellie to go over to the outside bar (A serving hatch attached to the pub) and get one of the bar tenders attention to ask them if anyone had handed it in. Mel did as Stu asked and strode over to the hatch. We could hear him calling out for someone inside to answer. He turned to us and said “There’s nobody there”, but Stu insisted he keep trying because he couldn’t survive without his ecig. So Mellie did as Stu asked of him. He turned back to the hatch, leaned in and carried on calling out. At this point Stu, with ecig in hand, sidled over to Mel until he was stood by his side and started blowing vapour in Mel’s direction. Mel turned to Stu as he blew vapour out and said “There’s nobody there “. Mel looked at Stu vaping but it didn’t register. He then turned and called out through the hatch again, turned again to look at Stu vaping and said “Twat”. We all burst into laughter at that point because of mellies reaction. It was hilarious!!

There’s one last part to finish this off this tale, which I’ll write at some point soon.

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 4

We stumbled towards the first port of call (The Oasis Bar) with blood obscuring my vision. Mellie ‘It’s Lovely ‘ walked slightly to the front of us (Trying not to step on Jackie’s low swingers) giving us a perfect view of something poking up towards the sky (Not his tallywackle) it was a small pointy volcano on his shoulder, something he had made us aware of earlier in the day. The story goes like this. He had fallen over a few weeks or months ago (couldn’t remember) and ever since the fall, a ‘Lump’ had appeared on the top of his shoulder. He foolishly allowed me to poke it with my fingers, which is something I continued to do for the rest of the time we were in Skeg-Vagas. To be honest, the mysterious lump felt like bone. I expressed my thoughts to Mellie and asked him if it was painful, to which he moved his shoulder in all directions, swung his arm around like a windmill and told us it didn’t bother him. I suggested he might have dislocated or even broken something and it had reset itself into a tiny volcano. He briefly looked ever so slightly concerned then shrugged it off. With tounge in cheek, I asked him if it interfered with his extra curricular activities during the night. Remarkably, he actually answered, saying “No, not really”!! In all seriousness, we all advised him to go to the doctors with it or to take himself to A and E. He didn’t say yes or no, he just shrugged (Making his little volcano stand up and point) and said he might do. (He hasn’t)

So, we meandered around the market stalls and pubs and became mesmerized with Mel’s pointy thing. One of the incidents that steered our gaze away from Mel and caught our attention happened after Jackie had bought Stu a hoodie. It was breezy on the coast and Stu had made the executive decision not to bring a coat or jumper. So Jackie bought Stu a hoodie from one of the shops without telling him and we walked up to the sea front, sat down and soaked up the sound and sight of the waves crashing in front of us. It was during this relaxing, meditative moment that Jackie revealed her hoddie present to Stu. We realised it was to small when he struggled to squeeze his head through the opening. Nevertheless, he persevered and eventually slipped it over his ears. Then, unbelievably, he carried on with the battle to get his arms in and pull it down to just above his navel. The struggle tired him a little so he sat down, the wetsuit tightness of the hoddle making it impossible for him to sit comfortably and relax. Then Stu proclaimed “It’s to small, mellie, help me get it off”. Without any hesitation, Mel took hold of the bottom of the hoodie and pulled and pulled and pulled (Something he’s used to) partially lifting Stu of the bench with every tug, which was accompanied with a “Uggghhh” from Stu every time he levitated off the seat. By this time, we were all laughing and Mel was crying with laughter, occasionally pausing with the pull to hold his sides and say “Oooo my sides”, which made us laugh more, even Stu laughed between “Uggghhhs” , who was firmly trapped in the hoodie straight jacket!! Eventually, Mellie freed Stu, who emerged red faced but triumphant.

After we had settled down from all the laughter, we walked down to a Bar called Buddies, which is very popular for 2 reasons. 1, the beer is very good and quite cheap and 2, they have live acts to give it a seaside party atmosphere. It was there that the funny incidents really took off, but I’ll leave that for another time.

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 3

So, where was I, ahhh yes, bleeding eyes!!! I can’t remember the last time my eyes bled, maybe it was the last time Musslini blacked them with a frying pan for not following orders, but I can’t remember. (Only a joke Angie!) I’ve blocked most of that particular traumatic event from my mind. Before I go on, I want to say that I am not recounting this ‘Event’ because I want to embarrass or ‘Shock’ anybody. That is NOT my intention, it’s just that I’ve heard talking through disturbing events helps the mind and the eyes heal. It’s also because it’s just to funny to leave out. It will also come as a surprise, so again, no offence intended. I also want to share my pain!!

So, Stuey and I were deep in conversation about something meaningful (Haven’t got a clue what, so it was probably not meaningful) Angie was somewhere in the caravan doing what she does best (Goose stepping) Mellie was outside smoking a cigarette and probably looking for somewhere secluded to indulge in a quick ham shank. Jackie came wandering (Innocently) into the living area where me and Stuey were talking. I looked casually to the side ever so briefly, nodding my head in agreement with something Stuey said, and was smacked in the eyes with the sight of Jackie pulling a jumper/cardigan up or down (I’m not sure which) over her head. I was met with the sight of one of her boobs hanging freely (And I mean HANGING) her nipple saying hello to the waist of her trousers!! (I didn’t know that was possible) I suppose it’s a bit like an older man’s ball sack touching his socks, (I’ll ask It’s Lovely)

I looked on, briefly stunned, and tried to carry on the conversation with Stuey, but I was struck dumb. I think I blinked a couple of times at Stuey, and I think he asked me if I was alright. (I couldn’t answer, I just stared, blankly) Angie appeared and came to sit next to me. I looked at her and asked her “Are my eyes bleeding “? She actually answered me and said “No, why”? I couldn’t answer, I simply repeated the question, which prompted Stuey to ask me if I was ok. I shook my head, rubbed my eyes and thought of beautiful things, like daffodils and buttercups and rainbows and even Mellie having a ham shank, but it didn’t work, my melted brain continued to force invisible blood to run from my eyes!! After a few minutes, we left the caravan and made our way towards the markets and pubs. I didn’t say anything to anybody about the assault on my eyeballs, I didn’t know how to say anything, until now!! Looking back, I probably should have said something then and there, because we would have laughed, but as I said, I was dumbstruck. Anyway, I haven’t written this to embarrass anybody but it was a typical ‘It’s A Carry On’ moment that I couldn’t let go without a mention. I repeat, I haven’t mentioned this to embarrass Jackie or Stuey, they know we love them (But NOT in a nipple sharing way) Anyway, this is just a short post, dedicated to the memory of firmer, upstanding tits and balls. I’ll write the 4th and last part when my eyes have stopped bleeding!!!

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 2

Before I carry on this account of our trip to Skeg-Vagas, I have been ‘Told off’ by the wife ‘Musslini ‘ (Angie) Not only am I referring to her by the wrong nickname, (Apparently, I called her Mother Hen in previous posts) also, she doesn’t like being compared to the infamous dictator! So, it is with heavy heart (And a grin on my face) that I must STOP (She’s dictating) calling her Musslini. So, Musslini it is then (Because I refuse to be dictated to. Bloody dictators, they’re all the same)

Ohhhhhh what a ball ache!!! Gaining entry into the caravan was a struggle. (Note to self: Do not attempt to become a safe crackers’ apprentice) To gain entry, Angie ‘Musslini ‘ was asked to download an app that opened a keysafe through the Bluetooth on her mobile. The problem was, it didn’t work, which made Musslini very ‘Goose steppingly’ angry!! She glared at me and turned me to stone, in fact we all stood like statues for about 10 minutes, only our eyes daring to move around like Thunderbird puppets, when a neighbour came to try and (Rescue) help us. He knew the owner and rang him to let him know Musslini was very angry. (Only joking Angie, please don’t hurt me!!) Luckily, through that phone call, we managed to get in. We had a rest for a little while and then walked the short distance to a pub! All went well, we all got nicely drunk and wandered back to the caravan, where Musslini made us all eat Ham and Cheese sandwiches because THEY ARE GOOD FOR YOU!!! (She’s going to kill me)

We took to our ‘Beds’ and almost everyone slept well. I say almost because I mean one person slept well. ‘It’s Lovely’ slept well between Ham Shanks, which helped to keep us awake and vomiting!! (Only joking Mel) Jackie Gravedigger and Stuey Shuffle slept on 2 narrow singles, It’s Lovely slept in the living space on the sofa because he couldn’t be arsed to pull out the bed and me and Angie Musslini had the double bedroom. However, in the morning, when Stuey finally came out of the bedroom to join the rest of us, they ‘Stu and Jackie’ informed us he hadn’t been able to sleep much because he had been effectively stuck in one position throughout the night. Actually, the sound of Jackie’s elbow smashing repeatedly against the paper thin wall may have been the reason he hadn’t slept well, because it was definitely the reason we didn’t sleep well!!! Meanwhile, It’s Lovely was unsurprisingly devoid of life, looking exhausted but with a satisfied grin on his face!!! We all agreed, before walking to a restaurant for a full English, that a swapping of sleeping arrangements was needed. (NOT that type of swapping!!) Or more precisely, It’s Lovely would stay in the living room, beating the night away whilst me and Angie would swap bedrooms with Stu and Jackie. It was during those early moments of conversation, just after the bedroom arrangements had been finalised, that my eyes began to bleed!! (More about that later)

Viva Skeg-Vagas Part 1

“What a carry on”. The term ‘What the actual fuck’ springs to mind before I begin the short break account of our trip to Skeg-Vagas. My brain has been reduced to scrambled eggs and my eyes are bleeding!

In all honesty and hand on testicles, it was a bloody good laugh and a great way to spend my birthday weekend.

I knew we were in for a funny weekend when myself and my wife Angie (Musslini) pulled up outside Stuey and Jackie’s (Shuffle and Grave diggers) bungalow. As Musollini and myself played jenga by squeezing their luggage into the boot, Jackie and Mellie (It’s lovely) followed us to the car. A second later, Shuffle ambled towards the car like John Wayne struggling to walk with a huge cock between his legs. (Stuey has a poorly back so it isn’t his fault) When the 3 amigos were finally sitting on the back seat, Shuffle proclaimed with great gusto, that grave digger had heard ‘It’s Lovely’ having a crafty ham shank at 4am!! The funny thing was, when she accused him of being caught, It’s Lovely’s retort was  “What time did you hear me”? So there was no denial, just a confirmation of the time. Of course, we pulled his leg about his crafty shank, and asked him how many he had managed to squeeze one in (Or out) throughout the night. I think I saw him thrusting his groin forwards in rapid movements as he drooled in his best porn voice “It’s lovely!!

Before we actually set off, Musslini barked her demands at Grave digger, and terrifyingly ‘advised’ Digger (With a cold blooded stare) to sit in the middle because she would have more leg room. (By the way, her legs are only 16 inches long so that didn’t make sense) However, Digger knew better and trembled nervously when she insisted on sitting by the window. As per usual, Musslini was proved right, because Digger’s voice was heard to be complaining for the first hour of our journey about having no room. It was quite funny and very fortuitous when I discovered every time I took a left hand bend, ‘It’s Lovely’ squashed Digger into the door. Her little squeals of “Urrrrhhhpppmmmm” accompanied by curse words aimed at ‘It’s Lovely’ made me chuckle. I made a point of speeding up around the bends just to hear her squeak and give It’s Lovely a piece of her mind!!

We stopped twice on our journey for a cuppa and for those with leaky bladders to empty them. The second stop proved to be the catalyst for a leg pull that rolled over our 3 day weekend.  ‘It’s Lovely’ had run out of cigarettes so we pulled up outside a garage so he could buy some (Dirty habit) He bought some, came back to the car and lit one up (Not far from the petrol pumps!) Oblivious to the possibility of killing everybody within a half mile radius, It’s Lovely spoke lovingly about the Honda 50 he owned when he was a younger man. He embraced his youthful memories as lovingly as he had embraced his tallywackle at 4am and told us about riding to Skegness to visit his brother Ronnie’s shop. He told us how it took him 2 hrs 30 minutes to ride there, his once golden locks waffting wildly in the wind. Every 30 seconds, I interrupted him to  ask “It took you an hour and a half ” and “Ronnie had a shop in Skeggy”? It’s Lovely corrected me every time I interrupted him, Oblivious to the fact I was winding him up. He’d say “No, you twat, I said 2 hrs 30 minutes and it wasn’t Ronnie’s shop, he just worked in it”. Shuffle was chipping in with the wind-up, Grave Digger was cackling in the back and Musslini expelled a deep, evil chuckle that told me I was a dead man if I didn’t stop it.

It’s Lovely re-assumed his position in the car, and we rode on to Skeg-Vagas, arriving 30 minutes later to begin what was to be a continuation of a great weekend.

Part 2 to follow with bleeding eyes!!!

Carry On To Skeg-Vagas

I’m not sure if anyone will remember my 2 friends ‘Shuffle Stuey’ and his wife ‘Jackie Gravedigger ‘, but tomorrow morning, those 2, along with me, the wife ‘Mussolini’ and a new member, Melvin ‘It’s Lovely ‘ are going on a road trip to Skegness for a long weekend!!

It should be fun. Me and the wife are definitely due a break from work. But something tells me it won’t be a rest but it will be funny!!! Holiday (Short break) blog incoming in the next few weeks.

I Didn’t Realise Part Of My Life Was Missing !!

I think everyone has heard a version of the saying “You don’t miss what you’ve never had”. I was always an advocate of that sentiment. Over the years, some friends and some family members tried to wind me up by telling me, with pointless eagerness, where they had booked to go on holiday (When I couldn’t afford to go) or how expensive their new footwear was (When I couldn’t afford any) Sometimes, their intentions were innocent but mostly, they were bragging to try and make me jealous. ( I call that bloody vindictive) I’m sure we’ve all been there. My answer would always be the aforementioned saying. Some of them would realise how thoughtless they were being, some would fail to understand my point of view and some would say things just to be spiteful. I always stood by my point of view, I never faltered, until recently, until I saw something I have never seen in the whole of my life. I found myself feeling envious.

At the moment, my daughter is dipping in and out of constructing a family tree. I have always tinkered with the idea of looking into it, but never got around to actually doing it. (I’m mentally idle) She, Becky, my daughter, whatsapped me a few weeks ago and asked me what my grandparents Christian names were. That subject has never come up before so I asked why she wanted to know. They all passed away long before I became a twinkle in the eye of my parents, but I knew the names of my mother’s parents because she never failed to take the opportunity to tell me all about them. Mum used to pour fuel on a fire I didn’t realise was burning inside me, by informing me I looked like her dad. Unfortunately, my mum had no photographic evidence to back up her claim. I occasionally about daydreamed about my Grandfather when I was shaving, briefly imagining his face staring back at me.

Grandad’s name was Earnest, Grandma’s name was Ivy, and I don’t have to imagine their faces anymore. Becky found a few photographs on Ancestry. She sent me a few photographs, two of which are below.

When I saw both photographs, I don’t mind admitting I had a tear in my eye. It’s strange how the mind works. I felt warm and proud. I feel close to them. Their life together was strewn with heartache. I’ll write about them one day, when I think I’m worthy. But for now, I will be able to look back on WordPress when I’m an old man and look at both of them when I feel the need.

I guess my Grandparents are immortalised now.

Mr XYZ Update

When I went back to work after 10 days of isolation, I fully expected to visit the character XYX. In all honesty, I was looking forward to seeing him because, despite all of his issues, he makes me smile and we get along like a house on fire.

Even though it’s against the rules, I slip him a fiver or a tenner before we part company. I know it’s probably the wrong thing to do because he probably squanders it in illicit ways, but I know for an absolute fact that he doesn’t have much, and it disturbs me that he will go days without any money in his pocket. Perhaps that’s the biggest factor in why he likes me. I don’t know but at least I know he has a little bit of money.

Anyway, when I turned my laptop on to catch up with everything, one of the emails immediately caught my eye. It was decorated with a red headline from my manager. I opened it and my heart sank a little bit. In a nutshell, or a scrotum sack, my manager has taken me off XYZ’s case. He has been handed over to a new starter, because, and I quote, “His unique character and his personal issues will be a good experience for the new starter”. I couldn’t get my head around that sort of reasoning!! It is like he’s just an inanimate subject that is good to practice and hone new skills on, just to become better at the job. I saw it as, his mental issues and personal problems are seen as invaluable learning material!!! To hell with what he needs or wants! I know I’m probably wrong, but that’s how I feel about the whole situation, so God knows what he’s thinking!!

One of the last pieces of news I heard regarding him, is that he is still waiting to be evicted! Although the courts have ruled to evict him, the housing association that he rents the flat off, have got to make their own application to evict him. Apparently, it has to go down that route so all legal avenues have been covered and exhausted. Maybe, they’re trying to ensure he gets to stay in a property that he is familiar with over the Christmas and New Year period. I’d like to think that’s what they’re doing.

Meanwhile, Mr XYZ is living in limbo, on constant tenterhooks, knowing he can do nothing about it, waiting for the inevitable to happen, but not knowing when the chopper will fall.

My colleague rang me this morning to let me know how he is. He walked into the middle of the road yesterday morning (Friday) and began waving his arms around, tapping on the windscreens of the cars that were forced to stop, saying hello and have a nice day and then pretending to be Adolf Hitler, goose stepping in and out of the traffic. The police arrived on scene and didn’t have to force him into a police car. My colleague told me he looked really happy and almost led the way to the police car. Apparently, he put his thumbs up as they drove him away. I think Mr XYZ knows exactly what he’s doing, sometimes!!! He’s one of a kind. I miss him.

A Light Shadow Around A Celestial Body That Multiples To A Detrimental Effect

A big title for a pain in the arse that goes by the vampiric name of Coronavirus! I have it.

I haven’t been feeling at my best since Wednesday of last week. Aches, pains, cough etc etc etc. I thought I was getting the seasonal flu I always get. Well, now I know what thought did. It thought it had farted but it shit itself!!!

Taste and smell are a thing of the past. However, and I’m not sure if this is good or bad. I have at least the next 7 days off work! I get to spend time alone with the wife! Oh god !! She, Angie, also has it but it hasn’t effected her ‘Talent’ for talking incessantly. Now, where are my earplugs?!?!?!