The Living Dead-ish

This is very brief.

The world has changed so much over the last few weeks, society, or lack of, has virtually ground to a big fat halt. At the moment, and for the last couple of weeks and probably for the next 5 or 6 weeks, I’m working silly hours because the virus has and is affecting some of my colleagues. Luckily, their combined absence is precautionary at the moment and fingers crossed, they’ll all come back to work safe and healthy.

So, it’s down to the rest of us to work extra hours, which is why I’ve been largely absent on WP. Today was my second day working in a sequence of 8 straight shifts. 15 hour days and night shifts thrown into the mix.

Right now, all I crave is a cold pint of beer, sat in a beer garden in the sun.

But, I would gladly give that little luxury dream of mine up for this virus to just stop and leave us alone.

Anyway, I may be absent for a while, but as Arnie said “I’ll be back”!

Please, everyone stay safe and healthy and love the life you have, it’s the most precious thing we have.

A Little Bit Of Peace

I have enjoyed a couple of days off work (today is my second day) and walked to town to buy some much needed food and supplies. After shopping and wandering around this ghost town, I sat by the church for about 20 minutes because the bus services have become limited. The pigeons came looking for food so I decided to capture them on video. I actually recorded a voice-over in the David Attenborough mode but for some reason it didn’t work. Anyway, this is the very short video of my new friends.

An Opportunity To Start Again

Probably the most important thing that I’ve personally come to realise after the outbreak of the virus is that we all have the unique opportunity to start over, and make life better. This bloody coronavirus has of course, already taken to many lifes, and it hasn’t finished yet!However, the irony is this. As a direct result of this plague, many parts of this beautiful planet that we live on is enjoying a much needed rest from humanity. Aeroplanes are grounded, people are staying indoors (Reluctantly) factories have closed and the natural world breathes again. It appears that (According to NASA) air pollution over areas of China and Europe have improved over a few short weeks. A reduction in nitrogen dioxide, most probably because of a reduction in the use of cars, power plants and other industrial facilities, has had a positive effect on the world environment. Wouldn’t it be great if, after the world eventually beats this virus, that every year, every country shuts down all factories, power plants and other materialistic facilities for a month, to give the world a rest, as well as the population a rest.The world and the people who live on it need regular periods of rest.We could just forget materialistic gain and the economic persuit of ‘Happiness’ and just enjoy being alive with the ones we love.Like the title I chose for this short post.We have the opportunity to start again, let’s hope the governments of the world wake up and see the opportunity they have to make the world a better place.

When I Was Johnny English: 3rd part. Lisa and Sam (John)

So the phone went clickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I didn’t go back into the chatroom, I thought it best not to antagonise the situation. Then remarkably, my phone rang a few days later with an American number flashing across the screen, I answered and it was Lisa. She simply started the conversation with “You’re an asshole”!

Again I couldn’t agree more, but she laughed and said she was “Hooked” on me as a person, not the woman I had pretended to be!! Fuck!!!

It was an unforeseen, highly irregular predicament. There I was, an English man with a warped sense of humour, who had pretended to be an English bisexual woman called Sam, and an American bisexual woman had “Fallen” for me!!!

So, what do I do? I became friendly with her as the real me. (Whoever that was) However, it became slightly unnerving when a knock came on the door. I answered it and a postman stood there with a package addressed to me!!! A big package!

I took it off him, closed the door and looked at the postmark. Virginia, USA. Shit. (Not the country you until, I mean the package)

I opened it up and a big, cuddly teddy bear burst out from its constraints, with a very strong aroma wafting from its fur. (It turned out, it was her favourite perfume) It had a dog tag around its furry neck with the word ‘John’ printed on it. In addition to the teddy, there was an envelope. Inside it was a photograph (At long distance, taken from a birds eye angle) of me standing in my back garden, which was unusual because I’ve never been an enthusiastic gardener.

Later that same day, she rang me to ask if I’d received the package? Of course I said yes, politely thanked her for the gift and asked her how on earth she had photographed me? All she would say was the company she worked for had been given something to test and she was testing it.

Of course, in hindsight, it was Google Earth, but I had never heard of it and it was very disconcerting. I remember walking to work at 5.45 in the mornings, looking up to the skies and half expecting a giant flash of a camera or a UFO to swoop down and pick me up!!!

From that day, I was forever looking over my shoulder. I recieved three more small packages. One contained a gold leafed bookmark, number 2 contained a pair of frilly, very small purple pants that had exactly the same aroma as the teddy bear!! (I might add, they were clean) The 3rd package was astonishing. It was a return flight to Virginia!

Of course, I sent the ticket back to the place she had given me as her home address.

I started to ignore her calls and eventually she stopped trying, probably after she had received her ticket back. I can’t explain it but I felt guilty for not answering the phone, but I couldn’t see any other way of dealing with it.

I was definitely an asshole, and on that occasion, my ‘Innocent joke’ definitely backfired!!!

Let this be a warning to the jokers amongst you, unless of course, you want to receive a pair of purple pants through the post!

Johnny English Continued (A Confessional)

I suppose you could call this post a purging of my former character, so those with a nervous disposition definately need to read this because it will help you realise that your past escapades weren’t that bad after all!!!!

So, there I was, over 20 years ago, strutting my stuff in the internet chatroom, just for laughs and innocently (Honestly) chatting with people I would ordinarily never get to talk to.

The chats and surreal conversations went on for a few weeks and I must admit, I became bored but strangely addicted, if that’s possible! I would log on after work and chew the fat with people from all walks of life, from all over the world. New York cops, people from the medical profession in china, cross dressers from France etc etc

The strangely entertaining yet mundane conversations went by in the blink of a mouse click until someone at work (Who shall remain anonymous) suggested that I should try going into a chatroom frequented by people with alternative sexual orientations (No offense intended to anyone) At that time, my sense of humor was skipping along at the edge of the ‘Lets-take-thepiss-osphere’ at what could be termed as ‘Wickedly humorous without bounds or limitations’!

I thought about it, chewed it over, considered the fun I could have and thought what the hell, what harm could it do!! So, I entered a chatroom under the guise of a lascivious, bisexual woman called ‘Samantha’, I thought that name gave me a little bit of class as well as a little bit of a dangerous sexuality!

I was like a piece of hanging, dripping honeycomb that attracted the birds, bees and whatever or whoever wanted a nibble!! (Remember, this was me then, it’s not me now, I’ve grown up, I think)

‘Sam’ became, if I’m honest, a bit slutty. She was open to all sorts of experiences and sexual experiments! I recall one lady (But maybe it was a man pretending in the same way that I was) who opened up a private conversational box with Sam, and proceeded to tie her (Me) up and poke her with an electric cattle prod around the nether regions! At which point I responded via text with “Ahhhhhrgggghhh’s” and Oooohhhhhhhssss” and “Do it againnnnnnnnnn”! All the way through the erotic communication process, I was virtually crying with laughter.

However, as time and ‘Partners’ came and went, I became friendly with a woman from Virginia. Her name was Lisa, and she seemed different from everyone else in that chatroom because she had a circle of (Normal) friends (Again, no offense) who decided to included me in their group, and merely spoke about the ups and downs of their everyday lifes.

Lisa became more and more fixated with Sam, and seemed to know quite a lot about me (Sam) She sent me photographs of herself outside of her house, which was situated at the edge of a forest with the mountains as a backdrop. I later discovered it was the Appalachian mountains. I only know she was a genuine woman for the following reason.

Over a short period of time, I grew to have a respect for her, and this respect made me feel guilty. So I decided to allow her to call my number to talk to me (Sam) because she had asked me countless times for permission to call.

I answered the phone and allowed her to say “Hey Sam” in a southern drawl before speaking to her. I did momentarily consider trying to speak in a high-pitched voice but knew I had to come clean! So, I spoke to her, saying hello in my natural voice and she instantly interrupted me by asking to speak to Sam. I replied by saying “This is Sam”! The phone went silent, followed by an ear piercing “Whattt the fuckkkk” which rattled my eardrums.

To cut a long story short, she ranted at me but also couldn’t stop herself from laughing in-between swearing and calling me well deserved names. She ended the call by shouting down the phone that I was a heartless, unthinking juvenile, too which I agreed before the phone went clickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

This is a Confessional by the way but it may shock or upset so I’m sorry, but in my defence, I was very childish. I honestly believed this joke of mine wouldn’t do any harm.

How wrong I was.

To be continued.