Kinky Frustration Night

This is just a quick post and despite the title, it isn’t about sexy fun! (Unfortunately) It’s about a funny, unexpected event that occurred during a game of Frustration.

Before I begin, I need to explain our infamous Frustration nights. Every few weeks, myself along with Shuffle (Stu), Grave Digger (Jackie) and Mother Hen (The wife) all get together and play Frustration for money, diluting all the tension with beer, wine, spirits and food. We’ve had some fun nights over the years, we’ve even argued once or twice about who has cheated by moving too many spaces or knocked the wrong person off because of alleged favoritism!!! But it’s just for laughs and we never take it seriously, although stu hates to lose.

Last night (Thursday) we got together for a game because myself and the wife had a day off work today so we knew we could let our hair down and relax today. Now, it wasn’t the game that had us laughing last night, it was the text message that Jackie received during the game! She read her message and said “Who the bloody hell is this?!” and started laughing! Then she read the message out.

It said “Last night was so horny, I had a great time with you and your husband, hope to do it again soon “. After all the laughing and leg pulling that Jackie received about her being a secret swinger, she messaged back and told ‘Him or her’ that they had the wrong number. Then she received a message back apologising and stating that they hoped they hadn’t insulted or upset her.

Jackie didn’t reply, but me being me, well, all I can say is that I immediately saw the opportunity to play a prank on some unfortunate! The question is which one of my friends and how to execute the prank.

I will record my prank on here when the deed is done. (I promise to make it tasteful, with no malice intended)

Buuhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….

Old And New

When I was a very little boy, about 5 or 6, my father bought our first TV, at least I think he bought it (I discovered as I grew up that he had a tendency to be light fingered, sorry dad!) It was a farting little black and white thing and we had to huddle around it to see the picture properly. Then we moved on up in society (Dad was awarded an Increase in benefits!) and he rented a 16 inch colour TV from a company called Radio Rentals.

I was absolutely fascinated with all those colours flashing across the what was then, a large screen! I couldn’t wait for Match Of The Day to air on a Saturday night so I could watch the coloured jerseys running around the bright green pitch. It actually broke my heart when the company came to take it away because dad had not kept up with the payments!

Then, when my brother started working, he went to the same retailer and rented a 22 Incher, I was practically orgasmic for weeks until the novelty wore off. It felt like the cinema had landed in my living room.

As we all know, the size of TV screens have grown exponentially over the years, I think some of them are not far off cinema screen size. Watching a movie or live sports is almost as good as actually being there (But not quite)

So about 4 weeks ago my TV made a strange popping sound, then the screen went blackish grey, with green lines jerking across the screen just to piss me off!!

My best friend, Stuart the Shuffler, let me use his spare TV (28 inches) until I could muster up the courage to buy a new one.

Today I went to buy a new one (50 inches) an all singing, all dancing “Here I am big boy” TV that would satisfy my yearnings!! Who said size isn’t everything?! (Most of my past girlfriends, but that’s another blog)

When I took it back to the house, I unpacked it and moved my besties TV to make room for its bigger, brand new brother. Just as I was about to attach the small stand to the base of the TV, the wife said “Fuck”! I said “What, right now”? But my smile temporarily disappeared when she said that she had a horrible feeling the table wasn’t long enough for the new TV!! I measured it with my eyes first, then my trusty tape measure. 2 inches to small!!! As we all know, 2 inches can make or break a tricky situation! It broke mine.

So now, we have to buy a new ‘Thing’ to sit the TV on. Putting it up on the wall is a no go as far as the wife is concerned. So it’s time to wait again for a couple of days until I have a couple of days off work. Gutted!

New Phone Headache

I’ve got a new Phone because my “Old” one was grabbed out of my hands at work and smashed on the floor!!

So I’m attempting (As a man with little to no clue about new phone technology) to catch up with emails, WordPress and everything else. I had no idea how much of my life was/is taken up by my phone!!

So in the words of Arnie “I’ll be back ” I think!!

New Years Eve: 1990

One of the best New Years Eve parties I have ever been part of was in 1990. I remember (Parts of it) as if it was yesterday. Everyone decided to go out drinking in fancy dress costume. My wife was Ann Boleyn, (Breasts spilling out of a tightly bound bodice, hehe) I was Sir Walter Raleigh, complete with cod piece, and the others, about 8 of them, all in costumes ranging from a snowman to a robot to a scarecrow.

It was snowing heavily, which gave the night a special feel because there was already a thick covering of snow on the ground. We all met at the snowman’s house and began drinking wine to start the evening off in style before we traveled to the same pub about a mile away, arriving in a convoy of taxis, one following the other, historical figures emerging through the taxi doors, all ready for what turned out to be a fun filled evening/night. The amount of inquisitive stares, mixed with looks of derision followed our every move. We didn’t care, especially when the beer flowed as we moved from pub to pub. The snowman (Bob) had a keen eye for a joke (As well as my wife’s heaving breasts) so, as we all mingled in a cosy pub (Standing room only) he slipped away (Pun intended). As we left the pub we looked around for Bob and he had merged amongst the real snowmen across the street on a snow covered piece of grass, mimicking the pose of the other snowman, arms held out to the side, carrot on nose, sandwiched between the others, blending in beautifully. We sang “Auld Lang Syne” arms interlinked as the clock ushered in the new year, then we carried on partying until everyone of us decided to carry the party on and caught taxis to go back to Bobs house.

His house was half way up a very steep road, and the squashed snow on the road had made it a natural ski slope. So, with everyone much the worse for alcohol wear, we decided to get the sledges out, carry them to the top of the hill, and with alcoholic drink in hand, race downhill, trying to avoid the cars that were parked sporadically on each side of the road.

The noise we were making (Laughter, shouting and ‘Wheeeeeeeingggg’) brought the neighbours out of their drunken slumbers and into the street watching and eventually asking to join in the fun.

So, picture the scene. About 16 or so adults, all between 21 and 35, all taking turns to race against each other, all pissed as farts, all wanting to beat the other to become the fastest down the hill. Bets were taken on who would beat who 😂 I raced the last race at about 4am against a chap I had never really spoken to before, apart from a nod and a casual “Hello” from time to time.

He was very competitive and really, really wanted to win. He took an early lead and was about 4 feet in front of me, hollering away, claiming expectant victory when the extra weight (I think) came to the my rescue. I suddenly whizzed past him and hit the finish line first, raising my arms in triumph. Unfortunately, I was going to fast to stop or even care, and smashed into the side of a parked car. I didn’t hurt myself and luckily, the car withstood my alcohol fuelled head.

I remember getting a congratulatory hug from my wife and distinctly remember a whispered promise of more to follow when we went home. Ahhhhh the life of a winner!!!

All that actually happened when we arrived home was a cuddling up of cold bodies until we quickly fell asleep.

I loved that new year, I’ll always remember it.